CAMBRIDGE, MA - After the arrhythmic clicking of a keyboard continued for several minutes after his classmates had finished typing, reports have confirmed that area man John Edward '18 still types with two fucking fingers.

Despite having been born into a generation for whom computers are a norm, Edward has yet to learn the simple motor coordination pattern of utilising multiple fingers in the process of using a full QWERTY keyboard.

Eyewitnesses also described seeing Edward using a stylus on his iPhone while using the online messenger service BBM, claiming that, “I always struggle to make the damn phone understand what I want to write with my index finger. This way is much better!” Edward then asked for assistance in turning the phone off in order to save his battery. The phone was reportedly 94% charged.

When asked for comment, Edward released the following statement: “Could you repeat that last bit please? I just need a second to catch up.”