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Area Woman Can Only Find Validation in iPhone's Hand Emojis

emoji hands
The one true source of affirmation.

AT THE INTERSECTION OF TECHNOLOGY AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM – Speaking to reporters while texting herself little thumbs-ups, local woman Jane S. Etter confirmed on Monday that she only finds validation in the hand section of her iPhone’s emoji keyboard.

“I used to turn to people for affirmation,” said Etter. “But people disappoint. Friends spell your name wrong, boyfriends break up with you, and professors tell you that your midterm paper is so uninspired that it would have been better if you’d just done some light plagiarizing.”

In emojis such as the waving and rock-on hands, Etter has finally found the approval that she has always craved. She likes to email herself "YAAAAAAAAS QUEEN" followed by the praising hands, and she frequently comments on her own Instagram photos, "You [clap] are [clap] so [clap] photogenic [clap]."

“Who needs loved ones when I’ve got these little guys to turn to?” Etter continued. “If I’m feeling down, I just open iMessage, go right to the message body, hit that globe, swipe left, and feel good.”

While experts call Etter’s emotional dependence on digital hands "concerning" and "a sign of a serious lack of healthy human relationships," Etter stands by her commitment to her electronic support system. “For everyone who says that the warm fuzzy feelings my five-fingered friends give me is bizarre," she said. "I’ve got a hand emoji in mind for you.”

At press time, she was sending herself the buff arm emoji instead of going to the gym.

© 2018