and entering

Complete Barbarian Promises to Download Venmo “Soon”

I have a phone, but I choose not to use it.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After having no means of paying for dinner with his linking group at Border Cafe last Tuesday, local Cro-Magnon Gerard Green '20 reportedly said that he would download Venmo in the very near future.

The uncultured student had apparently never heard of the peer-to-peer mobile payment service that allowed for the exchange of over $17 billion in 2016. "You poor thing. How can you live like this?" questioned blockmate Sarah Chao '20, upon learning that Green was living completely unaware of this modern amenity that nearly everyone else on campus had downloaded.

Another friend asked, "Oh my God, do you have to barter for goods?"

When asked how he typically splits bills when dining out, the uncivilized brute replied, "I use cash. Normally I have at least a five on me, sometimes a 10 or a 20. When I don't have enough, I just pay my friends back later," apparently unaware of the eight-year-old app that allows him to pay specific amounts of money without a several day delay.

"I usually remember to pay friends back," he insisted, as he painstakingly paid back the remaining 67 cents of his $11.67 bill with four dimes, a nickel, and nine pennies, ultimately falling a full 13 cents short.

"I've really been meaning to make one. I promise I'll get one soon. So I'm supposed my bank account to an app? I don't know how it works exactly," said Green, who regularly debates the intricacies of esoteric philosophy readings and solves abstract mathematics problems, but cannot figure out how to navigate the three simple steps it takes to set up an account.

At press time, Green was only available for comment through Google Hangouts, as he had not yet installed Messenger.

© 2017