SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Construction Workers Insist Loudest Work Must Be Done at 7:30 am

Construction worker
A construction worker looks on as a cement truck probably revs its engine at the break of dawn.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Construction workers who have been renovating Lowell House insisted Wednesday that all of their loudest work must take place at 7:30 am.
 
Gina Aldrich, a mason working on the project, said she chooses to perform the noisiest tasks at 7:30 because, "It's right in that sweet spot when you're still tired but you only have, like, 45 minutes until you have to get up."
 
Harvard stipulates that all contractors under their purview must pay adequate wages, take every precaution for student safety, and annoy everyone in the vicinity in seemingly preventable ways.
 
Steve Needham, Senior Director of Project Management, personally measures the decibel level of every instance of drilling before 9 am to ensure maximum loudness. "WHAT?" said Needham when reached for comment. "HUH?"
 
When asked why the construction workers don't delay the cacophonous jobs until later in the afternoon, foreman Steve Harrison replied, "Because that's when students are least likely to be in their dorm rooms. It's like a tree-falls-in-the-forest situation. If no one is around to hear the deafening drone of a jackhammer, did it even make your ears bleed?"
 
At press time, Harvard students briefly stopped to consider that there were likely good reasons for all construction-related decisions, but decided to collectively ignore that impulse.
 
© 2017
Category: