SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Four Emotional Voids that Scallion Pancakes Will Fill But He Won’t

Scallion pancakes are also known by locals as "scal pals"

Are you stuck in a soulless, poorly defined relationship? Wish you would stop having sex with guys you’re only 60% into just for the temporary feeling of completeness? Here are four emotional voids that scallion pancakes will fill but he won’t:

 

1) The "emotionally detached parent" void 

After a childhood devoid of any parental love or affection, you have no concept of what a healthy relationship looks like. Let some freshly made scallion pancakes give you the warm, gentle embrace that your stoic father never did — and that Jeff never could.

2) The "lack of defining purpose" void

You have fleeting interests but no real passions. Your strategy for the last four years has been to choose the path of least resistance. That includes never breaking up with your high school boyfriend, even though you live on opposite ends of the country and both deeply resent each other. Instead of drowning yourself in toxic commitments, drown yourself in sauce! The six layered, chewy-crunchy sauce vehicles you get at the Kong will be the closest thing to a defining purpose you’ve ever experienced. 

3) The "utter absence of self-love" void 

Self-flagellating and hypercritical, you rely on attention from a string of emotionally reserved men to feel any semblance of self-worth. Ditch the narcissistic soft boys and go for some flaky and perfectly golden scal pals — at least they won’t insist on explaining all 18 chapters of “Ulysses” to you.

4) General void 

You’ve been numb for so long that you don’t even know why, and you can’t remember a time when that wasn't the case. Your string of one-night stands is so ineffective that you don’t even know why you bother swiping. Talk to your doctor about signs of clinical depression. Afterward, celebrate finally getting diagnosed with some trusty ol’ scallion pancakes for $5.25 at the Kong. 

If for some reason scallion pancakes don’t work, try take-out sushi and four $10 bottles of rose from C’est Bon. Or changing your prescription! 

 
Image credit: Faith Durand, the Kitchn 
 
© 2017
Category: