Grand Rapids, MI—Resulting from his deeply held beliefs about the state of the climate, local warming denier David French, 29, doesn’t think it’s a nice day today. “I just don’t really think it’s that nice out,” he told reporters, “that’s my intuition, and no amount of scientific evidence will convince me otherwise.”
French has recently come under attack for his denial of what is, on all accounts, a wonderful spring day. “I think I’m gonna get a blanket and have a picnic”, said climate scientist Carla Esposito, 33, “because it’s really quite nice out. I know Dave thinks it’s too chilly, but the overwhelming consensus among the scientific community is that Local Warming is a phenomenon, and it’s getting worse every year.” French told reporters he’s grown used to such dismissal. “Yeah, Carla thinks it’s a nice day, so what?” French said. “Look at this snow on the ground,” he told reporters, brandishing a snowball, “does this look like ‘Local Warming’ to you?”
Recent reports from the Bureau of Local Climate Statistics, a panel of over 300 local climate scientists, call today “lovely”. “Reports show,” said spokesman Dana Albright, 41, “that scientists overwhelmingly agree, today is ‘a perfect day to spend in the park,’ and ‘a terrifying example of the rate at which local climes are rising in temperature every year’”.
At press time, French took off his coat as he was getting “a little too toasty”.