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NSA Agent Agrees That Your Last Text Sounded Desperate

Jesus Christ, can't you see he's not interested?

WASHINGTON, DC—After a 13 hour shift of monitoring the personal data of millions of Americans, veteran NSA Agent, Donald Burkenheim agrees that you definitely shouldn’t have sent that double text.

Since the passage of the PATRIOT Act, Agent Burkenheim has been surveying citizens’ private communications as a counterintelligence effort to combat terrorist cells, but in his 16 years of service, he has not once seen a text as pathetic as the one that you just sent.

“I graduated at the top of my class at West Point and did three tours in Iraq. But no amount of training could have prepared me for the truly profound second hand embarrassment that I just experienced,” Agent Burkenheim said. “Why did you text Max twice? You know that he saw the first one and chose not to respond. Have a little dignity, please.”

In addition to monitoring one on one communication methods, Agent Burkenheim is also responsible for the analysis of data transferred on group-based messaging platforms. 

“You messaged your roommates whether or not you should text him again, just in case he ‘didn’t see the first one,’ they said no, and then you did it anyway. Why the hell do you ask for their opinion if you’re just going to ignore it?” Agent Burkenheim said. “I know Megan agrees with me.”

At press time, Max could not be reached for comment as he was being held indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay.

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