SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

REPORT: Spider in Hallway Very Scary

Oh god it's right there. Oh god.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Sources have confirmed that the spider currently residing in the 2nd floor hallway of Matthews is actually quite frightening. Measuring in at over half an inch long and a quarter of an inch wide, the spider has been spooking students since early last week.

Some students have been making an effort to avoid that section of the hallway, to avoid being spooked. According to Matthews resident Ralph W. Eisner ‘21, “I used to turn right out of my door when I woke up, but now I turn left, to avoid the spider. What if it moves when I’m walking past it?”, he went on. “What would I do?”

“Sometimes I think about killing the spider, so that it can’t spook us anymore,” said Ralph’s roommate Douglas J. Fox ‘21. “But then I remember that spiders are on our side in the fight against bugs in general. So I don’t. Also, I can’t guarantee that it won’t jump at me while I’m trying to kill it. The thought of that is honestly horrifying, and if it did that I would scream.”

At press time, the spider’s whereabouts were unknown, which was somehow even more terrifying than before.

© 2017
Category: