HARRISBURG, PA – Harvard Senior and Comparative Literature Concentrator Michael Beyer spent at least four hours talking about his senior thesis at Christmas dinner in order to avoid talking about the presidential election with his close friends and relatives. In fact, Beyer spoke about the thematic variations between the works of Guy de Maupassant and Mark Twain for so long, that he was able to make it to his second piece of pie without a single passive aggressive comment about "grabbing the ham by the pussy."

 

Others were not so lucky – attendees described the mood at the gathering as tense, with several heated conversations and an argument breaking out at the kids table after one cousin claimed he needed to "build a wall" to keep his peas away from his mashed potatoes. 

 

Those sitting with Beyer, however, said their dinner passed without a single fight about Hillary Clinton's emails or the authenticity of Donald Trump's hair. They even mentioned that they learned a lot about "that French guy" and "something about dialect or something."

 

When Beyer was reached for comment, he admitted that he wanted to talk about his thesis as little as everyone else did. He explained, "It's bad enough that I have to write the thing. I mean, I don't even care what the 'hermeneutics of agency' are so why would I want to explain it to Dad's weird friend?" He added, "What was I supposed to do though? Mom made me sit between my Trump-supporter aunt and my uncle who voted for Jill Stein! Jill freaking Stein!" 

 

At press time, Beyer was seen explaining the details of Maupassant's contraction of syphilis and descent into madness while Uncle George lectured Aunt Linda about why he thought she was a "racist piece of shit."