Billy Donnelly, a third grader at the John F. Kennedy Elementary School, just can't make up his mind about whether he would rather work as an investment banker or a consultant.

Billy, who received all check pluses on his latest report card, said that much of his indecision stemmed from the fact that both professions are very attractive.

"Investment bankers make more money," Billy said, taking a long drink from a carton of chocolate milk. "But consultants get laid more often. It's a tough decision."

Billy
said that he has known he would likely work in one of the two professions after he got a 98 percent on an addition test in September.

"I was taking the test, and everything just clicked for me. 24 plus 32? 12 plus 53? It was all too easy!" said Billy. "I remember telling my friend Danny after the test, 'I just destroyed the curve for the rest of you idiots. Enjoy your
medium-salary jobs for the next 60 years while I get loaded on Wall Street.'"

Other students said that they thought that Billy was getting ahead of himself. "How can he know what he wants to be when he gets bigger?" asked Jamie Bilson, one of Billy's classmates. "He can't even decide between celery or carrot sticks at lunch!"

"Fuck carrot sticks!" Billy exclaimed when he heard Jamie's comments. "Jamie doesn't know what she's talking about, I make great decisions. You know, I've always thought that I would be a great fit for the Leadership Development Program at Harvard Business School."

Billy's teacher, Mrs. Zimble, said that Billy is a bright boy with a promising future. "He's doing quite well -- he just memorized all the capitals of the states in New England! He's going to be great in Mrs. Quinn's fourth-grade class next year.

Billy said this is the toughest thing he's had to figure out since last year, when he couldn't decide if he wanted to do premed as opposed to just normal research.