Local undecided voter Chris Papadopoulos is currently struggling to decide what to eat at Al’s Subs, having narrowed down his choices to a ham sandwich and a sandwich filled with asphalt.   

“No, I’m totally aware of the differences between ham and asphalt,” said Papadopoulos as he stood next to the register.  “I just can’t decide if I want a tasty ham sandwich or a Kaiser roll filled with hot, sticky asphalt.”

Papadopoulos, who is also unsure of which candidate he will vote for in the 2012 presidential election, despite what many call “blindingly obvious” differences in Democratic and Republican platforms, has asked for other customers to be patient as he makes his lunch decision. 

Al’s Subs manager Alyssa Tome responded to questions about the differences between the sandwiches: “Ham, while high in sodium, is a good source of protein.  Asphalt is a mixture of mineral aggregate and bitumen, often heated to create cheap roof-sealant.  One isn’t necessarily better than the other, but they are very different.”

Papadopoulos refuses to be swayed by the sandwich-related opinions of others or by the fact that asphalt is a deadly carcinogen when consumed orally.  Many, such as Al’s customer Tim Buckley, have become quite critical of Papadopoulos’ inability to choose a sandwich, especially given the enormous amount of information available.

“The man is clearly an idiot.  Thank God he doesn’t have a small responsibility to help choose who will lead our country for the next four years.  Oh, shit.  They burnt my sub.”

Papadopoulos, who at press seems to be deciding to go with a tuna melt, will likely flip a coin while in the voting booth and then vote straight-party ticket.