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Woman Listening to Dua Lipa About to Fuck Shit Up

British pop singer dua lipa
Our cultural savior, Dua Lipa

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three minutes and 32 seconds of listening to music from English pop singer Dua Lipa, area woman Julia Bradley is about to fuck shit up. 

Sources report that Bradley, 20, was having a lackluster time at a pregame when Lipa’s hit single “New Rules” began playing. Worn from several hours of continuous social interaction, she had originally planned to head home early and watch 30 Rock on Netflix. But after hearing the break-up anthem and experiencing the awakening of her feminist consciousness, she emerged from the event ready to set her ex-boyfriend’s apartment on fire. 

“You know it’s a total jam when it makes you want to douse a building in gasoline and watch it burn to a crisp.” She explained as she dismantled the building’s fire alarm. 

Also on the agenda is keying her ex-boyfriend’s car, dragging him on Twitter, and texting him spoilers from Season 8 of Game of Thrones. She plans on capping off her night of mayhem with a glass of rose and some scallion pancakes from the Kong.

At press time, Bradley's had finished playing the holy triumvirate of Dua Lipa’s “New Rules, Charli XCX’s “Boys” and Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry,” setting off the destabilization of the world order.

 

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