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Chris Shows Up to Potluck with Granola Bars Again

MILWAUKEE, WI – Chris Goodman, 26, was seen entering the home of Joe Wilkinson for a potluck dinner Saturday carrying– once again– nothing but a box of granola bars.

Area Student's 12 PM Nap Only Reason to Get Up in the Morning

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Due to her life full of stressful commitments, area student Emily Zees reported earlier today that she was thrilled that her 12:00 PM nap was, in fact, her only reason to get up in the morning.

 

Area Bagel Spread Too Thin

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local breakfast staple Plain Bagel bleu open her schedule for her family during the holiday season, but upon returning to work, Bagel has found herself spread too thin. 

“It was so nice of [Plain Bagel] to spend Hanukkah with us,” said her siblings, the Einstein brothers, “but we wonder if her life would be less a-rye if she hadn’t.” 

Area Boy Reassures Parents Browsing History Result of Russian Hack

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing past examples including the DNC database and Donald Trump’s election victory, local high school freshman Jacob Carter explained to his parents that the browsing history on the family computer was the result of a Russian hack.

“Mom, Dad, trust me, I’m as astounded as you are,” Carter reportedly told his parents last night. “These sites are offensive and absurd, so typical of the Russians. They’re rigging the system against hard-working students like me. They're trying to subvert us from within!”

Area Man’s Favorite Video Way Less Funny When Shown to Friends

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Minutes after falling out of his chair in laughter at what he was certain was the funniest video he’d ever seen, local student Joe Bevitt ’19 was shocked to discover his friends found it way less funny than he did.

 

Area Man Begins Crossing Sevens to Revitalize Life

KANSAS CITY, MO—Joseph Allenby, 38, a local unemployed man, has made a drastic change in his life, making the effort to begin crossing the number seven in his everyday handwriting.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” Allenby announced in an exclusive interview last week. “My wife left me a few years back, my son hates me, and I am completely out of motivation.”

Allenby says he was clearly out of touch with his former happiness. “Something needed to change.”

Enraged Area Parents Boycott Grocery Store After Cataclysmic Floor Plan Shakeup

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

Senior Talks About Thesis for 4 Hours to Avoid Election Conversation

HARRISBURG, PA – Harvard Senior and Comparative Literature Concentrator Michael Beyer spent at least four hours talking about his senior thesis at Christmas dinner in order to avoid talking about the presidential election with his close friends and relatives. In fact, Beyer spoke about the thematic variations between the works of Guy de Maupassant and Mark Twain for so long, that he was able to make it to his second piece of pie without a single passive aggressive comment about "grabbing the ham by the pussy."
 

Area Student Gets Off on Stat 110 Lectures at 2 Times the Speed

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Chancing surreptitious glances to her left and right, local Harvard student Alice Starsky was reportedly binge watching Stat 110 lectures Wednesday, her face awash with the blue light of her Macbook screen.

Area Man Doesn't Win Nobel Prize, Disappointing Mom Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a move anticipated by the scientific community, local student Aidan Smith once again failed to win any of the Nobel prizes awarded in Stockholm last week, the latest in a series of disappointments for his mother. Despite being raised perfectly well, Aidan also has not received any Nobel prizes in any of the past several years, a trend of mediocrity that dates back to 1995, the year of his birth.

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