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Twinkie Defense Pretty Much Explains Area Man's Entire Life

CICERO, INDIANA - After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold. "I've been eating junk food my entire life. That explains why I sleep 14 hours a night and can't find a job. I'm not sure if it explains my continuous sweating, but you know what? I bet it does." His mother and primary caretaker described him as both "inconsiderate" and "stupid." Stottard quietly reflected on the couch where upon he spends his waking hours, "I've never even had a girlfriend. I farted on a girl once during a date. I wasn't

Kid Hopeful That Forged Note Will Get Him Out of Field Day

Fifth grader Mikey Lawless is hopeful that he has finally penned the note that will allow him to skip his school's Field Day.

"It's good. I wrote a few others that didn't work, but I'm confident this time."

Area Mom Wants You to Try Her Banana Bread

Before you settle in to play Call of Duty: This is Your Call to Duty with your best friend Jack, his mom would really like it if you'd try her banana bread.

Local Diwali Celebration Devolves into Rosh Hashanah

What began as a quiet candlelight night celebrating the Indian holiday "Diwali" ended with riotous Rosh Hashanah.
Indian students from across Boston gathered yesterday evening to celebrate

"Butterface Avenger" Terrorizes Boston

Ugly women with nice bodies have recently come under attack by a man calling himself "The Butterface
Avenger."

"When I see a fine body with a two month-old jack-o-lantern sitting on top of it, it pains me," he said in a recent anonymous letter to the Boston
Globe. "I can't help but wonder what might have been, and it is my goal to spare the rest of the world the pain and the psychological damage
that these dick-perplexers have caused me." To this end, he does not actually murder his victims, but instead renders them more consistently
ugly.

Local Barbershop Offers A Trim "Downstairs"

Catering to an often-neglected market, a local barbershop will offer a keen cut for the shrubbery "downstairs".

Often when a boy comes of age, new and difficult transformations happen
to his body, according to experts.. Many of these transformations are left unchecked for the remainder of that boy's life. But it is more healthy and, ultimately, more satisfying for that boy to reign in the follicle forest that sprouts in his nether regions.

Local Man Sole Possessor of Truth About September 11th

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – The man screaming outside the Harvard Square T Station knows something you don’t know.

Over the past five years, Cantabrigians
have grown accustomed to the unnerving activism of Paul Smith, self-described “political activist” and manager, director, and sole member of the political action committee End Jew Lies Now. This much is a matter
of common knowledge. But what about the man behind the sprayed spittle? Satire V’s reporting team took to the streets to investigate.

Local Sheriff Reports He's Never Seen Anything Like This

Local Sheriff Henry Cooper reported
Wednesday that in 22 years of police work, he's never seen anything like this.

"I tell you, I've been a cop for 35 years now, and I've seen some pretty strange things," recounted Cooper, the sheriff of Wyoming's tiny Hot Springs County. "But I tell ya, I never seen anything quite like this."

Several sheriff's deputies at the scene of the incident agreed that they, too, had never seen anything quite like this.

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