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Winter is About to Come Right Now

Although it’s been trying to hold back and build up its endurance, Winter reports that it feels like it’s about to come right now. “Uggh,” said Winter when reached for comment, as it blew against the chapped faces of the denizens of Harvard Square. “I usually don’t come this early, I swear.” 

Harvard Pit Scene of Latest Battle in Logan Leslie’s “War on Homeless”

It was a bloody scene in the Harvard Square Pit this morning, as Cambridge City Council candidate Logan Leslie put forth a last-ditch campaign effort in his war on the homeless.

  “No, no, no” began Leslie, “it’s not a war on homelessness. I’ve had enough of that namby-pamby bureaucratic shit. What we need now is action.”

 Wiping the blood from his chin with one of the many copies of the Spare Change Newspaper now scattered about The Square, Leslie recounted his battle plan.

Narcolepsy Cupcakes Opens Shop In Cambridge

 

 

Cambridge, MA—Opening up next door to Insomnia Cookies, Narcolepsy Cupcakes will hold its grand opening between 2:00 and 2:05pm, and then close for a week so that its employees can take a power nap. Its business hours will vary on a daily basis, contingent upon when the store managers are awake.  

Mike Napoli’s Beard Called for Obstruction

BOSTON, MA- In a controversial play that decided Game Six of the 2013 World Series, Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli’s beard was called for obstruction. With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday visibly shied away from Napoli’s gargantuan beard. First base umpire Jim Joyce signaled an obstruction call, allowing all runners to advance and the Cardinals to score what would become the winning run.

Firm “No” Prevents Mugging

Last night at approximately 1:30 a.m., a female Harvard undergraduate was approached by a disheveled male and threatened at knifepoint in JFK Park. Multiple witnesses and the victim have stated that the man, later identified by authorities as George Jennings, placed a knife to her neck and demanded that she hand over all her money.

Goldman Sachs Executive Renounces Wall Street After Reading “The Rainbow Fish”

Thomas Crompton, 57, has abandoned his lucrative position within the Goldman Sachs investment banking firm, given away his home and possessions, and redistributed has massive fortune, shortly after being exposed to Mark Pfister’s 1992 children’s classic, The Rainbow Fish, for the very first time.

“Buy Local” Movement Gains Traction In Porn Industry

Bucking trends of small profits and increased competition from free websites, a small coalition of upstart pornography purveyors has found its niche in urging customers to buy local. By refusing to watch any pornography filmed in a faraway state or city, viewers can have a stake in the future of their own local porn industry.

Objectivist Milkshake Aficionados Thrilled with “Who Is John Malt?” Franchise

Adherents to Ayn Rand’s philosophy and writings are generating record sales for local businessman Harold Mercer, owner of Who Is John Malt?, a milkshake shop opened last month in downtown Boston. Mercer’s milkshakes, which do not contain any dairy, and consist primarily of chilled, blended organic fruits and juices, are intensely debated within the frozen beverage community, with supporters defending the entrepreneur’s radical vision, and detractors questioning whether his product semantically qualifies as a milkshake at all.

English Student Desperately Seeks Synonym for ‘Different'

COLUMBUS--A situation in the upstairs bedroom of 181 Oakwood Drive became desperate yesterday as 9th-grader Justin Kimbrell sought a synonym for “different” for his essay on A Tale of Two Cities.

The last-minute essay session comes two weeks after English teacher Shelly Kilfoyle’s assignment that students write about a prominent theme in Dickens’ classic tale of parallels between England and revolutionary-era France.

Local Flyer Distributor Still Going Strong After 100th Day Wthout Eye Contact

Tristan Vidas, a 24 year old flyer distributor working out of Harvard Square, celebrates his 100th straight day without human eye contact.  Vidas, who works for a fence installation company in Cambridge, MA, takes great pride in his work.

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