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Area Asshole will get Song Stuck in Your Head

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- "Stop it," you exclaim, turning to the asshole next to you, humming Miley Cyrus's current hit. "You're going to get that dumb song stuck in my head." The asshole turns to look at you, obviously feigning ignorance, "Stop what? What song? I have no idea what you're talking about. You're crazy." You continue walking together, until he audibly mutters the words, "And the Jay-Z song was on" -- You stop and exclaim, "Oh my God. Why are you doing this to me?

Area Man Says The Word "Movie" Funny

Cambridge, MA -- An enterprising group of young adults discovered that one among them says the word "movie" in a totally hilarious way. "Mooo-vie," said the peculiar friend. "I don't get it. What's wrong with that? Moo-vie. Do I sound like a cow or something?" The affected man's questions fell upon deaf ears, however. One of his associates finally responded between

Local Man Isn't Sure How to Get into The Olympics, But Will Give it a Shot Anyway

John Reiss, 32, doesn't really understand how someone qualifies to be an Olympian, but has nevertheless begun preparations for the 2012 games.

"Every morning I wake up at 5 and meditate for hours. Some people call it napping. Whatever. I say 'to-mato,' you say, 'tom-ato,' probably because you have some impediment that makes it impossible to pronounce things correctly."

Notorious Wife Beater to Starbucks: "You Call This Shit Coffee?"

A local Starbucks employee was accosted early Thursday morning when a disgruntled man entered the establishment, demanding a cup of coffee prepared "the way [he] liked it" but refusing to elaborate any further. When the barista failed to deliver, the customer became enraged, yelling that the employee was "useless, just like [his] mother."

Twinkie Defense Pretty Much Explains Area Man's Entire Life

CICERO, INDIANA - After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold. "I've been eating junk food my entire life. That explains why I sleep 14 hours a night and can't find a job. I'm not sure if it explains my continuous sweating, but you know what? I bet it does." His mother and primary caretaker described him as both "inconsiderate" and "stupid." Stottard quietly reflected on the couch where upon he spends his waking hours, "I've never even had a girlfriend. I farted on a girl once during a date. I wasn't

Kid Hopeful That Forged Note Will Get Him Out of Field Day

Fifth grader Mikey Lawless is hopeful that he has finally penned the note that will allow him to skip his school's Field Day.

"It's good. I wrote a few others that didn't work, but I'm confident this time."

Area Mom Wants You to Try Her Banana Bread

Before you settle in to play Call of Duty: This is Your Call to Duty with your best friend Jack, his mom would really like it if you'd try her banana bread.

Local Diwali Celebration Devolves into Rosh Hashanah

What began as a quiet candlelight night celebrating the Indian holiday "Diwali" ended with riotous Rosh Hashanah.
Indian students from across Boston gathered yesterday evening to celebrate

"Butterface Avenger" Terrorizes Boston

Ugly women with nice bodies have recently come under attack by a man calling himself "The Butterface
Avenger."

"When I see a fine body with a two month-old jack-o-lantern sitting on top of it, it pains me," he said in a recent anonymous letter to the Boston
Globe. "I can't help but wonder what might have been, and it is my goal to spare the rest of the world the pain and the psychological damage
that these dick-perplexers have caused me." To this end, he does not actually murder his victims, but instead renders them more consistently
ugly.

Local Barbershop Offers A Trim "Downstairs"

Catering to an often-neglected market, a local barbershop will offer a keen cut for the shrubbery "downstairs".

Often when a boy comes of age, new and difficult transformations happen
to his body, according to experts.. Many of these transformations are left unchecked for the remainder of that boy's life. But it is more healthy and, ultimately, more satisfying for that boy to reign in the follicle forest that sprouts in his nether regions.

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