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Student Spends 8-9 Hours Doing Literally Nothing

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Shocking many and disturbing some, area student Jacob Prescott was seen spending eight to nine hours lying down and doing literally nothing. Indeed, after assuming his initial horizontal position and closing his eyelids, he proceeded not to move for a whopping eight hours and 40 minutes until his eyes opened again.

​TF Receives B+/A- On Judgment Day

ARMAGEDDON -- As Judgment Day has fallen upon Humanity, reports indicate that Gov 20 TF Aaron Granderson has received a B+/A- on his life.
 
"I don't really know how to interpret this," said Granderson. "Was I not good enough for an A-, and the Almighty One threw me a bone? Or was God just trying to take me down notch, because I was starting to get cocky? What does this mean?"
 

Area Mom Excited to Reclaim Facebook Newsfeed Dominance Since Election End

WESTON, MA — After learning the election news cycle has finally died down, local mother Carol Danforth was reported to be eagerly anticipating the opportunity to flood her family and friends' news feeds with life updates and Despicable Me minion quote images.

“It’s been pretty difficult these past few months. Because of all the shared election content over social media, the average likes on my food blog posts and anti-vaccine infographics has gone down from 5 to 3,” said Danforth.

Area Man Unaware This Is Best Day of His Life

Muskegon, MI—Expressing moderate satisfaction with how his day is going, local man Brett Thurman, 32, confirmed to reporters this Thursday that he had no idea it was the best day of his life. “Yeah, I had some leftover pot pie for lunch,” the local accountant reported with mild enthusiasm, apparently unaware that today is the day he will look back on years from now, wondering where it all went wrong.

Noah’s Ark to Enter Head of the Charles

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After a flash flood warning was issued ahead of the 52nd Annual Head of the Charles Regatta, organizers of the race have announced that a crew representing the unknown “Ark Boathouse” will be competing in this year's event.
 

Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

Area Libertarian Frustrated by Pleasant DMV Visit

BOSTON, MA--Local Libertarian Party supporter and noted amateur economist Rick Roberts was infuriated after today's appointment at the Department of Motor Vehicles went off without a hitch.
 
"I just don't understand," said Roberts to reporters. "How could such an obviously bureaucratic institution provide good service? What incentive did they have to do that?"
 

#GiveElsaAGirlfriend, But Also #GiveMeAGirlfriend

TWITTER — In the past week, Frozen fans have started a campaign on twitter asking Disney to #GiveElsaAGirlfriend in Frozen 2. I applaud and fully support this campaign to make Elsa the first lesbian princess. However, I believe it does not go far enough, which is why I am calling on Disney to #GiveMeAGirlfriend.

Area Man Calls Up Local Friends Ahead of Trip to Quad

CAMBRIDGE, MA-–Lowell House Senior Aaron Smith phoned several individuals living in the Radcliffe Quad today to let them know he would be visiting the Quad the following weekend.

“Dude, you’ll never guess where I’m going to be on the 30th,” Smith reportedly said to friend Gregory Li ’17 during one of these phone calls. “I’m going to be in the Quad! We’re going to be like right next to each other. Will you be in town?”

Winter Comes Again

BOSTON, MA -- After a disappointing performance over the last few months, Winter is back for round two. “Look, I’m sorry about before. I’m usually much better,” said Winter, who rained gentle white snow on the faces of Boston residents less than a week ago. “But I think I have a little left in the tank for round two.”

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