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Area Man Struck by Powerball Odds

WILSON, NC-- As public excitement rose to fever pitch over the largest Powerball Jackpot in history, area man David West was struck by lightning multiple times as he went about his daily activities. With the odds of a winning ticket calculated as 1 in 292.2 million, West was initially struck by the inevitable force of probability while completing his usual Saturday round at the golf course.
 

Aunt Arleen Suddenly Expert in Foreign Policy

GRAND RAPIDS, MN -- Upon arriving at the McAvoy residence for his winter break, Francis McAvoy, 21, discovered that his maternal aunt Arleen Schaffer had suddenly become an expert in American foreign policy. McAvoy was impressed by his aunt's clear knowledge of the immigration crisis during a twenty-minute, red wine-driven press conference over dinner about how the U.S. should deny asylum to refugees.

Every Song Actually About Area Man’s Ex-Girlfriend

KNOXVILLE, TN--While huddled in a ball in his room and crying, local college freshman Alex Newton has reportedly discovered that every song’s lyrics actually describe his ex-girlfriend Samantha and their previous relationship.

Overly Aggressive Couple Wants You To Know They're Dating

CAMBRIDGE, MA— As the semester winds down, a new couple has emerged on campus and they want everyone to be aware that they are madly and deeply in love.

The students of Anthropology 1010 were taken aback during last Monday’s review lecture when, without notice, Sydney Wilke '16 removed herself from her chair in the middle of Professor Rowan Flad’s PowerPoint slide on the construction of stone tools and made herself a new seat on the lap of her boyfriend, Sam Sullivan '16.

Harvard Student Returns Home for Thanksgiving to "Catch Up, Grab a Meal" with Family

Sources confirmed earlier today that Eric West ’18, a Chemical and Physical Biology concentrator, has returned home for Thanksgiving to “catch up and grab a meal” with his family.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

Area Husband Organizes Sex Week Programming

AUBURN, NY—In an effort to promote a more vibrant intimate relationship with his wife, area husband David Im, 49, has organized Sex Week, seven days packed with events for the enlightenment and edification of the couple. 

According to the official website Im created for Sex Week, programming began Sunday with “Aphrodisiacs 101”, featuring a panel of culinary experts from around the world. 

New Cambridge Parking Regulation Just Fuck Off

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- The City of Cambridge instituted a new parking regulation on Monday. The Cambridge City Council voted to replace the complicated rules that have governed street parking with signs that simply read, "Fuck Off."
 
"We thought this was a more effective means of communicating the key parking rules to Cambridge residents, commuters, and tourists," said Cambridge Mayor David Maher. "It really just captures the sentiment."
 

Thousands Coming for Head of the Charles

Everywhere around Cambridge and Boston, thousands of people are coming right now to see the enormous Head of the Charles. The visitors, fit to burst from simply seeing the Head of the Charles, are visibly tense in their anticipation for this time-treasured event.

List of Phonix Club Members Leaked

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scandal erupted at the Maria L. Baldwin School this week when a full list of the Phonix-S.C. Club’s membership was anonymously leaked on the Internet via the website iminafirstgradeclub.com in what the website’s creators describe as an effort to promote discourse about issues of enunciation and vocal sounds on campus.

Boston Man Ready for 50 Minutes of Back-to-Back Classic Rock

After lowering his office blinds and tuning up his air guitar, Quincy building manager Nick Durden is ready for 50 minutes of back-to-back classic rock. “Hell yeah I’m ready for the hits,” said Durden in response to Terry Nowlin, WZLX’s Head Rockin’ DJ for the 10am to 11am time slot. 

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