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Four Emotional Voids that Scallion Pancakes Will Fill But He Won’t

Are you stuck in a soulless, poorly defined relationship? Wish you would stop having sex with guys you’re only 60% into just for the temporary feeling of completeness? Here are four emotional voids that scallion pancakes will fill but he won’t:

 

1) The "emotionally detached parent" void 

For Halloween, Girl to Dress Up as Slutty Disappointment to Her Parents

After a lackluster appearance as a slutty nurse last year, Rachel Myers ’19 has decided to dress up as a slutty disappointment to her parents this Halloween.

During a trip with her roommate to the Garment District—where Myers tried on slutty suffragette, slutty CEO, and slutty goldfish costumes—Myers realized that she should just cut to the chase and go as a slutty disappointment to her parents.

“Follow Your Passion” Says Person Whose Passion Was Definitely Not to Become a Guidance Counselor

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Local guidance counselor Robert Gray, age 43, has reportedly been giving students the advice that they should “follow their passion” when choosing a job. This advice comes despite the fact that Gray’s ideal job has nothing to do with finding summer positions for entitled 20 year olds who were born wealthier than him.
 

Heterosexual Male Finally Musters Courage To Use the Facebook Love React

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Despite having avoided the button since its inception out of fear of being seen as emotional, and therefore gay, area straight af dude Brock Stone reacted "Love" to a post on a content aggregator Facebook page earlier today.
 

Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest Theory Entirely Disproved By Karen

Karen Dworkin

DENVER, CO – Once widely-accepted by scientists, Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest has recently been disproved by area woman Karen Dworkin.

Karen, who once microwaved her own foot, has miraculously managed to survive for 20 years without dying off and getting replaced by stronger, genetically more fit organisms.  

Area Woman Forced at Gunpoint to Take “Obligatory” Selfie

Area woman Elisa Grant, 21, a student at Harvard College, was reportedly “traumatized” after being held up at gunpoint in a public bathroom and forced by her assailant to take an “obligatory bathroom selfie” in the mirror.

Construction Workers Insist Loudest Work Must Be Done at 7:30 am

Construction worker
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Construction workers who have been renovating Lowell House insisted Wednesday that all of their loudest work must take place at 7:30 am.
 
Gina Aldrich, a mason working on the project, said she chooses to perform the noisiest tasks at 7:30 because, "It's right in that sweet spot when you're still tired but you only have, like, 45 minutes until you have to get up."
 

NSA Agent Agrees That Your Last Text Sounded Desperate

WASHINGTON, DC—After a 13 hour shift of monitoring the personal data of millions of Americans, veteran NSA Agent, Donald Burkenheim agrees that you definitely shouldn’t have sent that double text.

Since the passage of the PATRIOT Act, Agent Burkenheim has been surveying citizens’ private communications as a counterintelligence effort to combat terrorist cells, but in his 16 years of service, he has not once seen a text as pathetic as the one that you just sent.

Woman Listening to Dua Lipa About to Fuck Shit Up

British pop singer dua lipa

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three minutes and 32 seconds of listening to music from English pop singer Dua Lipa, area woman Julia Bradley is about to fuck shit up. 

Area Mom Channels Suppressed Anger Toward Son into One-Star Yelp Reviews

Woman looking angry

SAN FRANCISCO—Recently, investigators have found that local mother Christine Berry, age 44, has found an effective outlet for her unrelenting anger toward her son, Devon—one-star Yelp reviews. While she previously struggled with her anger alone, the app has given her a healthy release valve, without which she probably would have given up already.

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