SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Region

Fig Tree Ready for Spring

As the month of March continues, at least one little tree is ready for spring.  

Standing at the corner of Plympton and Mt. Auburn, a small fig tree is bristling with snow, and "could not be happier that spring is almost here!"  

Calendars show that spring will begin on March 21st

This news comes at an important time for a variety of trees, many of which rely, like the fig tree, on sunlight and temperate climates to survive and grow.

Area Woman Feels Rushed by Automatic Toilet

Teenager Cures Cancer Using Time She Saved By Saying "Totes" Instead of "Totally"

Using all of the time saved from saying "totes" instead of “totally,” Molly Jackson, 16, has discovered the cure for cancer.

After years of saying the abbreviated word, the saved microseconds finally accumulated into enough free time for Jackson to figure out how to stop the previously uncontrollable cell growth. 

“It was nbd. Tbh idk why people are getting so cray about something I did irl,” said Jackson, who answered questions in between texting her gurls.

Quentin Tarantino Writing Screenplay at Local Starbucks

Baristas Karen and Phil have confirmed reports of the eccentric screenwriter returning to the Starbucks near his home, laptop in hand, to write his newest screenplay.

Workers describe Tarantino’s work habits as “intermittent” and “kind of clingy, if that makes sense,” while noting that he sometimes angles his screen as to be visible to those sitting nearby. He is known to the staff for his daily orders of a venti black coffee, which sits untouched as he works and sips from a caramel macchiato he ordered at the Starbucks down the street.

Old Man Pointedly Responds “Merry CHRISTMAS” When Wished “Happy Holidays”

Ted McCullough, 87, of West Roxbury, has reportedly once again taken up his yearly habit of scowling and muttering under his breath at any cashier, waitress, or government employee who wishes him a secular “Happy Holidays.” The octogenarian, who attended five am Mass this morning, allegedly misses a time when “Christmas was Christmas, dammit,” and claims he did not “play tiddly-winks with Jerry in the Bulge for this.”

Jewish Girl Excited to Feel Alienated This Christmas

Local Jewish girl Rachel Silverstein, 4, is especially excited to feel alienated this Christmas.
 
“I’m gonna go over to my friend Betsy’s house, and we’re going to bake cookies and listen to Christmas songs on the radio, and I’m going to be the only one who doesn’t know the lyrics!” said the preschool student and member of Congregation Beth El.  “It’s going to be so much fun!”
 

Winter is About to Come Right Now

Although it’s been trying to hold back and build up its endurance, Winter reports that it feels like it’s about to come right now. “Uggh,” said Winter when reached for comment, as it blew against the chapped faces of the denizens of Harvard Square. “I usually don’t come this early, I swear.” 

Harvard Pit Scene of Latest Battle in Logan Leslie’s “War on Homeless”

It was a bloody scene in the Harvard Square Pit this morning, as Cambridge City Council candidate Logan Leslie put forth a last-ditch campaign effort in his war on the homeless.

  “No, no, no” began Leslie, “it’s not a war on homelessness. I’ve had enough of that namby-pamby bureaucratic shit. What we need now is action.”

 Wiping the blood from his chin with one of the many copies of the Spare Change Newspaper now scattered about The Square, Leslie recounted his battle plan.

Narcolepsy Cupcakes Opens Shop In Cambridge

 

 

Cambridge, MA—Opening up next door to Insomnia Cookies, Narcolepsy Cupcakes will hold its grand opening between 2:00 and 2:05pm, and then close for a week so that its employees can take a power nap. Its business hours will vary on a daily basis, contingent upon when the store managers are awake.  

Mike Napoli’s Beard Called for Obstruction

BOSTON, MA- In a controversial play that decided Game Six of the 2013 World Series, Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli’s beard was called for obstruction. With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday visibly shied away from Napoli’s gargantuan beard. First base umpire Jim Joyce signaled an obstruction call, allowing all runners to advance and the Cardinals to score what would become the winning run.

Pages