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Objectivist Milkshake Aficionados Thrilled with “Who Is John Malt?” Franchise

Adherents to Ayn Rand’s philosophy and writings are generating record sales for local businessman Harold Mercer, owner of Who Is John Malt?, a milkshake shop opened last month in downtown Boston. Mercer’s milkshakes, which do not contain any dairy, and consist primarily of chilled, blended organic fruits and juices, are intensely debated within the frozen beverage community, with supporters defending the entrepreneur’s radical vision, and detractors questioning whether his product semantically qualifies as a milkshake at all.

English Student Desperately Seeks Synonym for ‘Different'

COLUMBUS--A situation in the upstairs bedroom of 181 Oakwood Drive became desperate yesterday as 9th-grader Justin Kimbrell sought a synonym for “different” for his essay on A Tale of Two Cities.

The last-minute essay session comes two weeks after English teacher Shelly Kilfoyle’s assignment that students write about a prominent theme in Dickens’ classic tale of parallels between England and revolutionary-era France.

Local Flyer Distributor Still Going Strong After 100th Day Wthout Eye Contact

Tristan Vidas, a 24 year old flyer distributor working out of Harvard Square, celebrates his 100th straight day without human eye contact.  Vidas, who works for a fence installation company in Cambridge, MA, takes great pride in his work.

Administration Notifies Students About Boston Tea Party

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.

 

Everything, Ever Implicated in Boston Bomber’s Radicalization

“When he wasn’t playing videogames with lots of guns – Call of Duty, that sort of thing – you’d see Dzhokhar sitting around talking about Atlas Shrugged… that was always his favorite of Ayn Rand’s novels and I think it really stuck with him,” explained a former classmate of the Boston bombing suspect.

Area Man Watches Sister Act; Laughs, Cries

A truly magnificent film is hard to find. Such masterpieces come by only once in a blue moon. It seems that local janitor Stanislav Yavinsky struck gold when he stumbled upon the critically acclaimed movie, “Sister Act.” The show follows a former prostitute as she courageously accepts the identity of a nun hiding in the Witness Protection Program.

Meyer’s Discount Mohel Service Goes out of Business

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A staple institution in the Cambridge community, Meyer’s Discount Mohel Service, closed its doors last Tuesday after nearly 30 years in the circumcision business.

“It certainly is a sad day,” said Meyer Bernsteinowitz. “I’m going to miss snipping those little schtickels.”

Meyer’s business enjoyed great success after the onset of the recession caused many families to look for less expensive Bris services, but the customers soon stopped coming after Bersteinowitz was accused of bad business practices.

Yahoo! Employee Makes New Plans to Avoid Creepy Office Guy

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After CEO Marissa Mayer told Yahoo! employees that they are no longer allowed to work from home, many employees are uncomfortable with the increase in coworker interaction. Cassandra Stewart, who works in marketing, has had it especially difficult. Citing experiences she has had with one particular coworker, she has devised new ways to avoid the office creep, also known as “Dan.”

Governor Patrick Goes Mad with Power, Re-instates Vehicle Ban

Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment.

Apple Patches Drunk Siri Glitch

After months of user complaints, Apple has finally released software to fix iPhone Error 02PBR20—also known as the Drunk Siri Glitch.

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