SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Region

Narcolepsy Cupcakes Opens Shop In Cambridge

 

 

Cambridge, MA—Opening up next door to Insomnia Cookies, Narcolepsy Cupcakes will hold its grand opening between 2:00 and 2:05pm, and then close for a week so that its employees can take a power nap. Its business hours will vary on a daily basis, contingent upon when the store managers are awake.  

Mike Napoli’s Beard Called for Obstruction

BOSTON, MA- In a controversial play that decided Game Six of the 2013 World Series, Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli’s beard was called for obstruction. With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday visibly shied away from Napoli’s gargantuan beard. First base umpire Jim Joyce signaled an obstruction call, allowing all runners to advance and the Cardinals to score what would become the winning run.

Firm “No” Prevents Mugging

Last night at approximately 1:30 a.m., a female Harvard undergraduate was approached by a disheveled male and threatened at knifepoint in JFK Park. Multiple witnesses and the victim have stated that the man, later identified by authorities as George Jennings, placed a knife to her neck and demanded that she hand over all her money.

Goldman Sachs Executive Renounces Wall Street After Reading “The Rainbow Fish”

Thomas Crompton, 57, has abandoned his lucrative position within the Goldman Sachs investment banking firm, given away his home and possessions, and redistributed has massive fortune, shortly after being exposed to Mark Pfister’s 1992 children’s classic, The Rainbow Fish, for the very first time.

“Buy Local” Movement Gains Traction In Porn Industry

Bucking trends of small profits and increased competition from free websites, a small coalition of upstart pornography purveyors has found its niche in urging customers to buy local. By refusing to watch any pornography filmed in a faraway state or city, viewers can have a stake in the future of their own local porn industry.

Objectivist Milkshake Aficionados Thrilled with “Who Is John Malt?” Franchise

Adherents to Ayn Rand’s philosophy and writings are generating record sales for local businessman Harold Mercer, owner of Who Is John Malt?, a milkshake shop opened last month in downtown Boston. Mercer’s milkshakes, which do not contain any dairy, and consist primarily of chilled, blended organic fruits and juices, are intensely debated within the frozen beverage community, with supporters defending the entrepreneur’s radical vision, and detractors questioning whether his product semantically qualifies as a milkshake at all.

English Student Desperately Seeks Synonym for ‘Different'

COLUMBUS--A situation in the upstairs bedroom of 181 Oakwood Drive became desperate yesterday as 9th-grader Justin Kimbrell sought a synonym for “different” for his essay on A Tale of Two Cities.

The last-minute essay session comes two weeks after English teacher Shelly Kilfoyle’s assignment that students write about a prominent theme in Dickens’ classic tale of parallels between England and revolutionary-era France.

Local Flyer Distributor Still Going Strong After 100th Day Wthout Eye Contact

Tristan Vidas, a 24 year old flyer distributor working out of Harvard Square, celebrates his 100th straight day without human eye contact.  Vidas, who works for a fence installation company in Cambridge, MA, takes great pride in his work.

Administration Notifies Students About Boston Tea Party

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.

 

Everything, Ever Implicated in Boston Bomber’s Radicalization

“When he wasn’t playing videogames with lots of guns – Call of Duty, that sort of thing – you’d see Dzhokhar sitting around talking about Atlas Shrugged… that was always his favorite of Ayn Rand’s novels and I think it really stuck with him,” explained a former classmate of the Boston bombing suspect.

Pages