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CIA Successfully Turns High-Ranking Russian Microwave

MOSCOW – In a newly declassified report, the CIA has revealed that it successfully recruited the microwave of Sergey Naryshkin as a counterspy.

Mr Naryshkin, Vladimir Putin’s head security advisor, was apparently unaware of these efforts. The microwave, referred to by the codename "Maytag," perpetrated several successful deep-cover surveillance operations, before being inadvertently exposed by White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway.

What Am I Supposed to Do with This Dinner Reservation?

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

Jeff Sessions Recuses Himself from Appomattox Negotiations

APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE – Union (Attorney) General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions recused himself today from the ongoing negotiations to end the Civil War at Appomattox Court House.
 
"I do declare several conflicts of interest," said (Attorney) General Sessions. "I've know Robby [E. Lee] for many years. I say we've enjoyed many a fine summer's day sitting on the back porch, sipping sweet tea, and discussing the peculiar institution. Therefore I must recuse myself from these negotiations."
 

Russia Confused Why Its Syria Airstrikes Keep Missing ISIS

MOSCOW — Russian officials have expressed confusion and surprise in response to allegations that it may have struck a refugee camp in Syria earlier this week, and that many of its airstrikes in recent months have targeted non-jihadist rebels in the country.

From the Satire V Archive: Unwelcome Children Mysteriously Disappear from Vladimir Putin’s Primary School

While perusing its archives, Satire V found the following article in a 1960 edition of the Soviet newspaper Pravda.

On February 27, 1960, children in a Leningrad playground were shocked and horrified when their playmate, Boris Nazarov, disappeared in the middle of the jungle gym.

“One minute he was sliding down the communal slide, and the next minute a grown-up came between us and carried him away,” said his playmate, Anna Dimitriyev, sobbing into her babushka.

Vladimir Putin Declares National Day of Mourning for Space Geckos

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.

NATO Suspends Cooperation with the Russian Government

April 1, 2014

RUSSIA - In response to the continuing reports of Russian troops on the Ukrainian border, NATO has determined that it will suspend “all practical civilian and military cooperation” with Moscow.  The move comes after extended tension between the government of President Vladimir Putin and the West, which has come to a height after Russia’s annexation of the Crimean peninsula in March.  Tensions between Ukrainians and ethnic Russians in the peninsula had been high after the ouster of pro-Russian President Viktor Yanukovych.

Meteor Actually Russian Space Dog Back for Revenge

According to footage leaked from an emergency meeting of the UN held in New York City this morning, the meteor that was reported to have hit Chelyabinsk, Russia was actually a space capsule piloted by Laika, a Russian dog launched into orbit aboard Sputnik 2 in 1954, in what the New York Times has called "the biggest attempted government cover-up since the accidental vaporization of North Dakota in 1974."