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Millions of Americans to Sleep Soundly Tonight Knowing White Santa is On His Way

It is Christmas Eve, and millions of Americans will sleep comfortably knowing that a Caucasian man bearing gifts will be paying their home a visit tonight.

“We just feel more comfortable having someone we can trust delivering the gifts,” said Nancy Shaw of Ohio, speaking on behalf of her white family. “You know, someone who will take the cookies and milk, but nothing else.” 

Jewish Girl Excited to Feel Alienated This Christmas

Local Jewish girl Rachel Silverstein, 4, is especially excited to feel alienated this Christmas.
 
“I’m gonna go over to my friend Betsy’s house, and we’re going to bake cookies and listen to Christmas songs on the radio, and I’m going to be the only one who doesn’t know the lyrics!” said the preschool student and member of Congregation Beth El.  “It’s going to be so much fun!”
 

Santa Claus: "I Don't Believe in Children"

NORTH POLE – In an uncharacteristically glum Christmas Eve in the North Pole, Santa Claus admitted that for almost ten years he has been harboring growing doubts about the existence of children.

 Santa told reporters at the December 24th press conference, "I've been reluctant to speak my mind on this issue, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, St. Nick revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.