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Scientists Confirm Superior Race is People Who Wear Shorts in December

A man holding a beaker with a man wearing shorts in the snow inside of it.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”

Carbon Dating Fossil Just Wants to Be Friends

Carbon and a dinosaur

CHICXULUB, MEXICO —  After eons of building up a reservoir of courage, Carbon came clean about her relationship with a fossil currently residing on the Yucatan Peninsula, and her suspicions that he takes her for granite.

In an exclusive interview, she confessed, “This relationship has really taken us out of our elements, but I’m just not feeling that binding attraction anymore.”

She plans to inform Fossil tomorrow evening that she wants to take the intensity down an energy level, and that she has been feeling too bound up with nothing to call her own.

Scientists Finally Determine Amount of Racism White Liberals Will Tolerate

PASADENA, CA - A team of scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced today that, after years of research, they have finally determined the amount of racism that white liberals are willing to tolerate.
 
"This has been a long and arduous project, and we're glad it has reached a satisfying conclusion," said Dr. Hannah Underwood, the project's head researcher. "Some things were obvious. Slavery, the Klan—white liberals obviously find those repulsive."