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The Most Notorious Phrases that Jesus Christ Always Uses in Section

We've heard them all! Satire V has compiled a list of all the typical phrases that Jesus Christ constantly uses in section:
 
Can we unpack that? Because even I, Son of God Jesus Christ, did not understand what you were saying.
 
Don't you just hate when you've just made a point, and Jesus Christ wants you to "unpack" it? What does "unpack" even mean? We all know you're trying to mask your confusion. Sorry, Jesus, but your lack of omnipotence is showing.
 

FAS to Make Section “More Intersectional”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In response to growing pressure from the administration to maximize inclusivity, a daring new initiative has been announced in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences to make section “more intersectional."

“At the FAS office, we understand that section is one of the most exclusive institutions on campus,” said FAS Dean Michael D. Smith. “Most sections even have a TF in the classroom who won’t let you stay unless you’re on their ‘list.’ How is that really different from the Spee? I, for one, see no difference.”

Area Student Unwraps Cookie Very Very Loudly

Cambridge, MA — Glancing up nervously every now and then, area section kid Marc Teller was reportedly attempting to remove a chocolate chip cookie from its stubborn plastic wrapper. “You wouldn’t believe the looks I was getting from the nine other people in my ten-person Tuesdays at 3 SLS20 section. I always get a hankering for something sweet around two or three in the afternoon.

TF Sure You Did The Readings

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Yesterday Harvey Benson, a TF for Culture and Belief 23, announced in his 3 pm section that he would continue talking about the readings because he "was sure you did them."
 
Benson, who normally conducts section under the assumption that you did the readings, decided to verbalize the tacit agreement when he started to feel like you might not have been keeping up with the assigned texts. Although Benson considered asking more specific questions about the readings to test his theory, he instead opted for the passive-aggressive route.

Friday Advice Column, by Section Dick

I’m a college freshman, and frankly I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to life here at school. I don’t know any of the girls on my floor, and haven’t made any other friends. I want to get involved with extracurriculars, but I’m not sure which and it’s all pretty overwhelming. I know this is mostly my fault, but is there anything easy I can do to fix it?

-Laura, Wigglesworth 207

Quiet Kid in Class Actually Just Really Weird

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard junior Trisha Richman was disappointed to find that Alex McGovern, the quiet kid from her English section, is in fact a very strange and socially inept person.

“He just seemed really mysterious,” Richman said of the pale, gangly sophomore. 

Richman, whose previous efforts to engage McGovern in small talk had been unsuccessful, finally managed to corner the mildly anti-social boy with a meticulously crafted question about the relative merits of David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King as a follow-up to Infinite Jest. 

Teaching Fellow Mistakes Head-Scratch for Raised Hand

On Friday, Steve Pilker, graduate student and teaching fellow for Anthropology 145: The Surprising Lives of the Russian Pigeon Stalkers, reportedly led a class section and mistook for a raised hand what was in reality only a clandestine head scratch. After asking an open-ended question regarding the Pigeon Stalkers' unique feather-based writing system, Pilker reportedly began looking in turn at each student in the conference room before latching onto Mike Rogers, a junior whose psoriasis had compelled him to lift a hand above shoulder level. 

Bullshit Section Participation App Hits 6655 Users

Developers of Particip8, the popular iPhone and Android application for Harvard students who lack an intelligent comment to contribute to section discussion, announced yesterday that its user base had grown to 6655 students—encompassing Harvard’s entire undergraduate population.

Students regularly rely upon Particip8’s suggestions to craft their weekly, absolute bare-minimum, singular incoherent thought that somehow still merits a passing section participation grade.