SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

section kid

Professor Begs for Answers From "Anyone but Dave"

SCIENCE CENTER B—Earlier this week, a prominent LS1A professor instituted a policy of calling only on students who have not yet answered a question in class, but because of extremely low participation, this policy excludes only Dave R. Edwin ‘21 from answering.

Dave’s professor explained that he formally introduced the policy only after Dave’s "enthusiasm" showed no signs of abating.

The Most Notorious Phrases that Jesus Christ Always Uses in Section

We've heard them all! Satire V has compiled a list of all the typical phrases that Jesus Christ constantly uses in section:
 
Can we unpack that? Because even I, Son of God Jesus Christ, did not understand what you were saying.
 
Don't you just hate when you've just made a point, and Jesus Christ wants you to "unpack" it? What does "unpack" even mean? We all know you're trying to mask your confusion. Sorry, Jesus, but your lack of omnipotence is showing.
 

Area Section Kids Resort to Memes to Espouse Their Terrible Opinions

Fuck you

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Holed up in dorm rooms to scour their Facebook feeds for any post into which they could insert their unwanted opinions, area section kids have reportedly resorted to using memes to assert their 10th-grade-level views on matters such as racism, classism, capitalism, and free speech.

Section Kid Leads Own Class in Midst of Bomb Threat

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard’s campus was rocked earlier this morning by bomb threats that caused several of the campus's main buildings to be closed and many classes to be cancelled.

However, the threats did not stop known section kid Chris Jefferson ’17 from pursuing his rigorous course of study. Jefferson swiftly took matters into his own hands as, ten minutes into his Organic Chemistry section, the Science Center was evacuated and Jefferson’s TF advised his class to exit the building.

The 8 Types of Section Kid

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.