SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

sex

Winter Comes Again

BOSTON, MA -- After a disappointing performance over the last few months, Winter is back for round two. “Look, I’m sorry about before. I’m usually much better,” said Winter, who rained gentle white snow on the faces of Boston residents less than a week ago. “But I think I have a little left in the tank for round two.”

Area Husband Organizes Sex Week Programming

AUBURN, NY—In an effort to promote a more vibrant intimate relationship with his wife, area husband David Im, 49, has organized Sex Week, seven days packed with events for the enlightenment and edification of the couple. 

According to the official website Im created for Sex Week, programming began Sunday with “Aphrodisiacs 101”, featuring a panel of culinary experts from around the world. 

Instructor-Student Sex Ban "Obviously" Doesn't Apply to Tenured Professors

Cambridge, MA—Following two weeks of numerous frantic calls and e-mails from professors, teaching fellows, and weirdly enthusiastic undergraduates, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences’ Committee on Sexual Misconduct Policies made a statement today that the ban on student-faculty sexual relationships announced this month “obviously” didn’t apply to professors with tenure.

Vladimir Putin Declares National Day of Mourning for Space Geckos

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.

FOP Fails to Provide Sexual Awakenings

According to a troubling report released this Monday by Harvard's Freshman Outdoor Program, 84% of students completed this year’s program without experiencing a sexual awakening. Despite their best efforts to have a "wilderness experience," it appears the vast majority of participants have a wholesome, sexless time.