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College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

Turducken Farm Shut Down in Wake of Controversy

Plano, Texas- With Thanksgiving approaching, animal rights activists have gained new wind in attempting to curb animal cruelty, going so far as to infiltrate factory farms to obtain footage. Their reported findings are, allegedly, beyond belief.

 “It was just beyond belief,” began trembling lead activist Kyna Shepherd, “Turducken farms are FUCKED UP. You, like, would think that they make the turduckens after they kill the birds. No. No. No they don’t. Aw, I just feel dirty.”

Lincoln Statue: It Was Nice To Have Some “Personal Time.”

Giant Lincoln, who has pretended to be an emotionless statue since 1922, has expressed “immense gratitude” for the chance to be alone for “five, ten minutes, tops” as the government was shut down.

The 50 foot tall Lincoln, who hasn’t been able to spend a night or day by himself in almost 100 years, had been extremely sexually frustrated as “it just wouldn’t be right to do it in front of the security guards.  And that giant legislative dome just staring me in the face.”