To my beautiful, communion wine-guzzling children,

 

It has come to my attention that many of my sons and daughters are unaware—or have accepted with complicit apathy—a dark, evil substance that has been wreaking havoc on my gorgeous earth for the past century. An unassuming but undeniably dangerous agent of chaos was placed on this earth to strike fear into the hearts of children and ruin tailgates.

 

Triscuits. Triscuits are the Devil’s cracker.