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18 Olympic Events That You Qualify for

Curling

As the 2018 Olympic Games in PyeongChang wrap up, the world's finest athletes are already eyeing the 2020 Games in Tokyo and the 2022 Games in Beijing. Which sports could you compete in? You might just be an Olympic-level competitor in these 18 Olympic events:

Commentators Lamb-ast Tom Brady, Say He’s No Longer the GOAT

After an offensive bleatdown at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom Brady has lost his GOAT status in the minds of many football insiders.

“Yes, he’s defeated a real hooves-who of great teams,” ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith said on Around the Horn. “But it’s udderly absurd and ludicrously e-goat-istical for Patriots fans to claim that Tom Brady is undeniably the GOAT when he can’t even bleat the Eagles without their starting quarterback. That’s one of the most blasphemous things I’ve ever herd. I love you, Brady, but it's clear you're officially pasture prime.”

Report: Majority of NFL Fans Rooting for Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl

Justin Timberlake and a graph that shows him winning a majority of support among NFL fans.

MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

ESPN's NBA Award Races Breakdown

Five of our most "in" Insider™ experts offer their collective insights on this season's most interesting award races.

 

Most Valuable Player

Russell Westbrook

- Paced the league in cupcake references (1.2) per 36 minutes. Personally ensured that 20% of team didn't touch the ball all season.

James Harden

Satire V38: Triple-Doubles Are Cool and Russell Westbrook Is The Best

 
Although Russell Westbrook averaged a triple-double for the entire series, the Oklahoma City Thunder were eliminated from the first round of the NBA Playoffs last night by James Harden's Houston Rockets.
 
Some have called this the smoking gun that proves that Westbrook's selfish stat-padding and triple-double hunting destroyed the Thunder's chances of contending this season.
 

2017 MLB Season Preview

Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs

March Madness: Preview of Sweet 16

Kansas vs. Purdue

Purdue and Kansas are both ranked top 10 in the country in shooting percentage and worst states to go to college in.

Oregon vs. Michigan

Harvard Men’s Sports Team Embarrassed That It Still Uses Paper Files to Rate Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A Harvard men’s sports team expressed embarrassment on Friday that it still uses old-fashioned paper files to sexually demean women.

“We need to keep up with the times,” the team wrote in a statement. “We are ashamed that our filing methods are so outdated.”

University Relieved It Doesn't Have Women's Football Team

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent revelations surrounding the Harvard men's cross-country and soccer teams' objectification of their female counterparts, the university administration expressed its relief that Harvard doesn't have a women's football team.
 

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