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Satire V38: Triple-Doubles Are Cool and Russell Westbrook Is The Best

 
Although Russell Westbrook averaged a triple-double for the entire series, the Oklahoma City Thunder were eliminated from the first round of the NBA Playoffs last night by James Harden's Houston Rockets.
 
Some have called this the smoking gun that proves that Westbrook's selfish stat-padding and triple-double hunting destroyed the Thunder's chances of contending this season.
 

Report: Only 3% of Murderers Actually Use Phrase "Foul Play"

BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

HUDS Union vs. Harvard: 9,475th Rock-Paper-Scissors Round Ends in Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—As the university confronts annoyed students, dining hall closures, and starving mice, Local 26 and the Harvard Management Corporation both played “scissors” in round 9,475 of the rock-paper-scissors-format negotiations.

Faust Attends Stat 104 Office Hours for Help with Sexual Climate Survey Results

 
Saying that she was "deeply disturbed" by the results of a sexual conduct climate survey administered by the Association of American Universities last spring, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust reportedly visited Statistics 104 office hours this past weekend for guidance. 
 

Gov Concentrators Can’t Follow Baseball After Pace Quickens

In an effort to speed up the notoriously slow pace of the game, Major League Baseball recently announced some changes to its pace of play rules, such as mandating that batters keep at least one foot in the batter’s box, timing pitching changes, a quickly returning to play after TV commercials. MLB hopes this will alleviate its increasing average game length in order to attract and retain more viewers. 

Satire V38: How Unexpected Was the Giants’ World Series Championship after Winning Game 7 of the World Series?

As Major League Baseball hands out its individual awards, we are reminded of the emotional rollercoaster that was the 2014 MLB season. Not many expected the San Francisco Giants to capture baseball’s ultimate title, as they were the lowest seeded team in the National League playoffs. However, just how unexpected was the Giants’ run to World Series glory? A study by the Satire V Statistics Bureau found that approximately 100% of teams who win Game 7 of the World Series go on to capture that year’s World Series Championship.