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Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

17 Important Issues No UC Candidate is Talking About

UC Logo

The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 17 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) Why?

6) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

Donald Trump Is Elected UC President in Stunning Repudiation of the Establishment

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Donald J. Trump was elected president of the Undergraduate Council on Friday in a stunning culmination of an explosive, populist and polarizing campaign that took relentless aim at the institutions and long-held ideals of Harvard College student government.

The surprise outcome, defying late polls that showed rival Hillary Clinton with a modest but persistent edge, threatened convulsions throughout campus and indeed the nation, where skeptics had watched with alarm as Mr. Trump’s unvarnished overtures to disillusioned students took hold.

HRDC Unanimously Votes to Cap Number of Tickets Available for UC Representatives

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Thespians representing the Harvard-Radcliffe Dramatic Club voted yesterday to limit the number of productions that UC officials are eligible to attend. Titled the “Open Theatre Ticket Ordinance of 2016”, the group decided that this was “the only way” to provide drama to the broader non-UC community at Harvard.

Looking Back on What the UC Accomplished This Past Year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Koch Brothers Push Yang-Jackson Ticket Over Spending Limit

Cambridge, MA—In a revelation that has rocked the Harvard community, the Undergraduate Council’s election committee has unearthed a $75 donation from Charles and David Koch to the campaign of Happy Yang and Faith Jackson. Analysts suspect that the secret donation, a sum that surpasses the regulated $50 limit by a whopping 50 percent, was in exchange for an oil and natural gas-friendly platform. 

Elm Yard UC Candidate Promises Development Plan for Scotland

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

"Twitch Plays Pokémon" Revives Flagging Mayopoulos Presidency

Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

Cabot UC Election Ends in 380-Way Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

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