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Apple Debuts iPhone XXX, Revolutionizes Sex Toy Industry

Bigger and longer than any you've ever had before.

CUPERTINO, CA - Earlier today, Tim Cook shocked Apple aficionados and Geniuses alike by unveiling Apple's most revolutionary product to date, the iPhone XXX. The iPhone X, it seems, was merely a warm up act for one of the "greatest innovations of our time."

"We've disrupted every industry you can think of. Music, TV, news, telecom; the list goes on," Cook said. "It was about time we broke through to the one industry that accounts for over 20% of the time people actually spend on our devices, porn."

"Starting today, the App Store will feature a penile enhancement advertisement that pops up in the background every 5 seconds. And thanks to incredible advances in screen, motor, and battery technology, the XXX will be bigger, better, and last longer in bed when you’re scrolling through Facebook at night."

Chairman of the Board Zacharius Owlshlur confided to reporters, "When Cook came to us last fall and proposed the XXX, we were obviously a bit taken aback. But then my friends tried it, and their user engagement and time on device metrics were off the charts. Think different? No, think dirty."

In addition to its robust physical features, the XXX also does away with the iPhone 6's archaic Touch ID and the iPhone X's new Face ID, instead letting users scan their genitalia to gain access to their digital lives.

"A huge breakthrough came when we realized that facial structure was no longer the final frontier in secure biometrics,” Cook exclaimed to thunderous applause while giving a live demonstration of the feature. “No longer will the dick pic be a mark of shame!"

The XXX's scanning technology has not come without controversy, however. Reports from "not just me but lots of other guys, too" have already surfaced that the nascent technology "completely and consistently underestimates" the 3D-spacial dimensionality of phallic objects.

At press time, Apple’s market share of the coveted 16-30 year old demographic had surged to an astonishing 69%.

 

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Update (2:06pm): Playing catch up, Microsoft quietly unveiled its own Surface XXX earlier this evening, comprised of a framed copy of a 1978 Playboy magazine connected to a detachable keyboard.

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