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BREAKING: NASA Discovers Alternate Universe Where You Lead Happy, Fulfilling Life

NASA scientists watched anxiously from the Mission Control room as they waited to find out if you have your shit together in an alternate universe.
WASHINGTON - Earlier today, NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope revealed the first-ever alternate universe in which you experience satisfaction and a healthy sense of self-worth on a fairly regular, day-to-day basis. This alternate universe is located just beyond galaxy GN-z11 and is not only thought to contain several habitable planets with liquid water, but also to be one in which an otherwise indistinguishable version of you goes through their day without periodically contemplating your strained relationship with your family and what you're really working this hard for.
 
This landmark discovery is the first time such a fulfilled, well-adjusted version of yourself existing over a prolonged period of time has been confirmed. The alternate universe contains seven planets that could have liquid water - key to life as we know it - under the right atmospheric conditions, but scientists at NASA are most excited about the high likelihood that it is also one in which your studies are going well, your career plans have progressed satisfactorily, and you have a wide group of family and close-knit friends whom you enjoy confiding in and hanging out with on a regular basis.
 
"This could be one of the greatest findings of the century - a world in which you have not only survived, but thrived," said Dr. Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator of NASA's Science Mission Directorate in Washington. "Answering the question 'Are we - and specifically you - alone?' is a top science priority. Finding an entire universe where so much of your life has been filled with optimism, achievement, and the time to pursue relaxing hobbies such as pottery, is a remarkable step forward toward that goal."
 
Sean Carey, manager of NASA's Spitzer Science Center at Caltech/IPAC in Pasadena, California, agreed: "I can't remember another time in the 14 years of Spitzer operations where I've been so excited about these results - what they mean for humanity, and what they mean for your parents, who near-constantly wonder where they went wrong with you."
 
At press time, Carey confirmed that Spitzer will follow up in the fall to further refine NASA's understanding of how this alternate version of yourself has achieved such a perfect physical/emotional balance in life, love, and work. "More observation is sure to reveal more secrets," Carey summed up, "which is great, because God knows you need all the help you can get."
 
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