ATLANTA, GA -- A new CNN poll released Sunday finds that 89 percent of all other polls are lying pieces of shit.

“78 percent of Washington Post polls are decaying swirls of giraffe feces,” CNN wrote in a statement. “82 percent of Gallup polls are bee-infested loaves of crap. 86 percent of Pew Research Center polls are regurgitated pools of dung. Altogether, the vast majority of polls that are not CNN polls are lying pieces of shit.”

The statement concluded, “These polling people are just making shit up. Have you ever been polled for one of these things? No, you haven’t. They are literally just pulling numbers out of their asses.” To gather its data, CNN reportedly asked an eight ball for its opinion a couple hundred times and pressed the intern Kenny for his thoughts.

Other news organizations quickly went on the defensive. The New York Times responded with its own poll that alleges that 100 percent of CNN polls are festering wormbags of deceit. Statistician Nave Silver published a contradictory poll on FiveThirtyEight.com, reporting that only 3 percent of polls are numerical incarnations of human waste. “There is no cause for concern,” Silver said. “Now is not the time to panic. But, like, I said that during the primaries, so what do I know?”

Asked to comment, the brass at Fox News replied, “Did somebody say poles? Where? Are there strippers? Hot strippers? Women? Can we get in on this?”