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The Court of Jeff Is Now in Sessions

Judge Jeffty holds court.

Clerk: All rise. The First District Court of Jeff is now in session.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, ladies and Jefftlemen. We’ll be hearing the case of Jeff versus Geoff today. Are the prosecution and the Jeffense ready?

Jeff Bridges: Ready for Jeff, Your Honor.

Jeff Bezos: Ready for Geoff, Your Honor.

Sessions: Will Jeff please swear in the jury?

Clerk: Will each Jeff please stand and raise your right hand? Do each of you swear that you will fairly try the case before this court of Jeff, and that you will return a true verdict according to the evidence and the instructions of the court, so help you, Jeff?

Jeffs: I do.

Clerk: You may be seated.

Bridges: Your Honor and Jeffs of the jury, the defendant, Geoff Jefferson, has been charged with fraudulently representing himself as the plaintiff, Jeffrey Allen Townes, more commonly known as DJ Jazzy Jeff. The evidence will show that multiple credit card purchases were made on the night of February 25. The next day, the credit card was found in Geoff’s apartment, with Geoff’s fingerprints on it. The Jeffvidence I present will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Jeffendent is guilty as charged.

Jeffs (murmuring): By Jeff! He’s violated Jeff Statute #37!

Sessions: Order! Order in the Jeffs! Bezos, you may begin your opening statement.

Bezos: Your Honor and Jeffs of the jury, under the law, my client is presumed innocent until proven guilty. During this trial, you will hear insufficient evidence against my client. The defense will reveal the true sequence of events: that Geoff was simply returning the credit card to Jeff after having found it on the sidewalk. Therefore, my client is not guilty.

Sessions: The prosecution may call its first witness.

Bridges: The prosecution calls El Jefe to the stand.

Clerk: Please state your name and occupation, witness.

El Jefe: My nama Jeff. But everyone calls me El Jefe. I work at El Jefe’s as the manager.

Bridges: El Jefe, were you working on February 25?

Jefe: Yeff, I was.

Bridges: And was the Jeffendent one of your patrons that night?

Jefe: Yeff.

Bridges: Did he use a credit card?

Jefe: Yeff.

Bridges: Was it a navy MileagePlus Explorer card?

Jefe: Yeff.

Bridges: Your Honor, DJ Jazzy Jeff’s missing card was also a MileagePlus Explorer card. I would now like to present the El Jefe’s receipt that shows one Jeffrey Allen Townes purchasing three tacos at 8:39 p.m. on February 25. Yet the plaintjeff reported his wallet as lost that morning, at 11:32 a.m. Clearly, Geoff is the culprit.

Bezos: Objeffction! Your Honor, the clerk has just notified me that DJ Jazzy Jeff brought this case to the Second District Court of Jeff last week, where Geoff was found not guilty. Under the Double Jeffpardy Clause of the Jeffth Amendment to the United States Constitution, this trial cannot continue.

Sessions: Is that so? Objection sustained. I see no reason to further prolong this court’s proceedings. If there are no further objections, I will ask the jury to pronounce its verdict.

Jeffs: The jury finds the defendant not guilty.

Sessions: Thank you Jeffs. This court of Jeff is now adjourned!

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