"

There is going to be more food to share these holidays, following the abrupt
announcement of your father, who has since tendered his paternal resignation and
will take a new job with his secretary. 

Writing with magnetic letters on your
fridge, your Dad wrote, ""After dutifully serving as your father, it is with deep
regret to inform you that I will no longer.  From here on out, I'm with Laverne,
my secretary."" 

Your father specifically notes the lack
of ""pert breasts"" and ""children"" as reasons for his resignation, but points out
that he still loves you. 

""I might not be around to tuck you in,
but I'll be thinking of you as I raise my new family,"" explains your
father. 

Your mother is completely surprised by
your father's resignation, though she admits that the kiss stains on his shirts
were a little suspicious. 

""F**k him,"" says your mother, who is
considering legal alternatives to shoving burning pokers up your father's
ass. 

Laverne, that tramp who stole your
father, is unavailable for comment.  However your mother has several comments to
make about Laverne.

"