AROOSTOOK COUNTY, ME – After the Senate rejected former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn's request for immunity in exchange for testimony to the FBI, sources reported that Flynn has been sighted near the US-Canada border in Maine.
Wearing a fake mustache and sunglasses, Flynn initially refused to talk to reporters, saying, “I don’t know nothing about no Mike Flynn. I’ve lived in these woods my whole life long,” in what seemed to be an attempt at a rural Maine accent. However, after Flynn’s fake beard fell off his face, he added, "Time to make a break for it!" and fled on horseback.
Flynn's formal press conference ended there, but reporters disguised as beavers were able to continue tracking him, and they heard him musing aloud. “Let’s just say old Mikey’s gonna be up north for a while,” the retired lieutenant general said. “Alright, I should get going if I’m gonna make it to the border by nightfall—really can’t risk them catching me.” He smoothed his fake beard and went on his way.
At press time, sources reported that Flynn had successfully crossed the border. “Hallelujah, I’m free!” he was heard saying. “Thank God they haven't built a wall up here.”