Following a recent television interview with scholar Reza Aslan about his right as a Muslim to write about Jesus Christ despite his four advanced degrees and expertise in religious scholarship, Fox News has released a statement drastically changing their operations plan.

“We inspected the flawless line of reasoning employed by Lauren Green, our host of the ‘Spirited Debate’ program, and then we used it to analyze our own organization," said Fox News chairman and former Batman villain Roger Ailes. "We realized that, if a Muslim can't write about Jesus without a bias, then it is impossible for a Fox News employee to discuss anything to do with the Democratic Party or minority groups without revealing an inherently ignorant, intolerant agenda."  

The conservative news organization reported that it was surprised and shocked when it detected within itself a malicious, hidden agenda designed to attack and destroy anyone more liberal than the borderline communist Dwight D. Eisenhower.  However, the company has immediately taken steps to correct its grievous mistake.

“From now on,” announced Ailes, “we will only report on those topics that we know from our own experience.  Sean Hannity, Chris Wallace, and Brett Baier will only talk about the Republican Party from now on, and will refrain from any mention of the Democratic leadership.  Geraldo Rivera will be the only member of our staff allowed to discuss Israel, because he’s Jewish.  Did you know that?  Geraldo Rivera?  That’s like the least Jewish name I’ve ever heard.”

Ailes then proceeded to apologize profusely to the talk show host, seeing that, as a non-Jew, he had no stance from which to talk about Judaism or Jewish names.  In other program mix-ups, “The O’Reilly Report” and “Fox and Friends” will now feature one hour of silence, as their hosts will simply look at the camera and not talk about anything at all.