WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
The knives, Ryan said, will become legally mandated parts of all insurance packages currently offered. "Ordinarily we would let the free market sort this out," said Ryan. "However, the invisible hand is not capable of grasping a knife and stabbing someone with a chronic illness in the abdomen."
According to Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price, the subsidized murder weapons will not add a penny to the deficit. "It evens out in the end," said Price. "If you're healthy, you don't have to worry about paying for sick people's insurance. If you're unhealthy, you're dead. Life was miserable for you anyway!"
High-risk patients, however, are not happy about the new provision.
"What did I do to deserve this?" said cancer patient Rick Jefferson, who was hiding out in an undisclosed location. "Oh, the humanity!"
"AHHHHH!" said diabetic Ellen Vargas as she was stabbed to death on the streets of Bethesda, Maryland. "GAHHH," she added.
The most important part of the plan, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, is that it does not include any handouts.
"Unless you count the knives, I guess," said McConnell. "But we're doing some weird tax credit thing with that, so it's fine."
At press time, a masked Speaker Ryan was spotted leaving the Capitol under cover of darkness with a machete in hand.