SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

I'm Not Like Those Other Republicans. I'm a Moderate.

I promise never to lecture you about being a "true conservative." Instead, I'll lecture you about being a true American.

Hey there, voter.

I heard you’re looking for a Republican lawmaker who’s socially and economically conservative, but not in an off-putting way. Well, look no further than me, because I’m not like those other Republicans. I’m a moderate.

I can tell that you’re not the kind of voter who rides the “Trump Train” or the “Tea Party Express.” No, you’d rather to take it slow on the “Never Trump” bus with a principled conservative like me. I have the knowledge and experience to call out President Trump when he goes too far, but not the courage of my convictions to do anything about it. And that’s what makes me a moderate.

The majority of my Republican colleagues vote for everything President Trump wants. But I’m different – I only vote for 90 percent of what he wants. I don’t want to build a wall or drastically cut Medicaid. Instead, I want to strictly enforce current immigration laws and gradually return Medicaid to the states. That’s slightly different and much more palatable, and those are my defining characteristics.

These days, it can be so hard to find a Republican who isn’t complaining about illegal immigration or nagging you about Making America Great Again. You and I both know that America is already great, and I have proven a record of supporting all of the unnecessary wars and austere fiscal policies that made it great in the first place.

Unlike the hard right extremists in my party, I know exactly how to please you. I’m no prude; I’ll pull you aside at any town hall, and softly whisper in your ear the two words you love more than anything else:

Bipartisan solutions.

It’s no secret that you love to reach across the aisle, and I actually enjoy doing it. Most Republicans are only friends with other Republicans, but I don’t have many Republican friends. They’re always gossiping about Ted Cruz and scheming to shut down the government over the debt ceiling. The fact is that I get along better with Democrats. We can always stake out common ground, like when we worked together in the 1990s to slash welfare spending and impose mandatory minimum sentencing. Those policies made Americans’ lives measurably worse, but at least there was no petty drama involved!

I want to do fun things with you. We can laugh together about President Trump’s ridiculous hair, or how Congress is just so darn terrible. Just don’t make fun of anybody who has held public office for a long time, respectable journalists, the troops, me, or bipartisan solutions to complex political problems.

That’s right, I said it again.

Those other Republicans want to change everything about you and your relationship to the government. But I accept you as you are. In fact, I prefer the status quo to just about anything. Take a look around. Do you like the way the world is right now, and want to keep it that way? If you do, consider it a preview of what our voter-representative relationship will be like if you vote for me.

And if that’s not for you, we can respectfully agree to disagree. I bet most Republican lawmakers never let you do that, either.

 

© 2017
Category: