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Little Cousin's Arrival Provokes Nazi Vs. Cowboy War

It was a day of uncountable bloodshed, with millions of fallen plastic figurines.

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—Calamity and chaos reign supreme in the McDaniels family living room, as the return of the household’s toy soldiers from the basement—prompted by the arrival of the Louisville McDanielses and their seven-year-old son Thomas—has led to an all-out war between six-inch-tall plastic Nazis and six-inch-tall plastic cowboys.

Leading military experts had initially predicted a swift cowboy victory, owing to their alliance with the redcoats and Star Wars action figures and an effective propaganda campaign waged by Eli McDaniels, 19, who informed Thomas that “the Nazis were really, really bad.” However, the Nazis have since launched a counterattack under the leadership of the men Thomas calls “the Three Mustardeers,” with air support from a pterodactyl that sources report “must’ve been behind the Easy Bake Oven or something.”

This conflict, which is already being called “World War Thwee” by one of its participants, is merely the latest in a long series of catastrophes to occur in the living room on Christmas, following the tragic 55-Matchbox Pileup of 2011 and the Vomit Blizzard of 2008. The carnage has only intensified following a murderous rampage by Liam, the McDaniels family cat, who recently took a nap on top of a crucial skirmish.

Yet the end appears in sight, as a peacekeeping mission has negotiated an 8 PM deadline for withdrawal, citing Pap Pap’s desire to watch the Chargers “in goddamn peace and quiet.”

 

Image source: Jan Ramroth/Flickr

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