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Looking At Porn is Absolutely The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

Porn Star Ted Cruz
Senator Ted Cruz just minutes after he "accidentally" liked a pornographic image on Twitter.
By Ted Cruz
 
My fellow Americans, I'll admit it: I made a mistake. I entrusted a member of my staff– I won't say whose, I mean which, member– with my Twitter account, and that person liked a tweet that contained porn. Now I'm going to apologize for this, which is definitely the worst thing I have ever done in my political career.
 
You might remember that I single-handedly shut down the government back in 2013, my first year as a Senator. Sure, I did it because it propelled me to national fame. And yes, I never stopped to think about the citizens and public sector workers whose lives were impacted by that. But all of this pales in comparison to the fact that I– I mean, someone on my staff– liked a pornographic image on social media. 
 
By all other accounts I'm a terrible person. Just ask anyone I've ever interacted with and they'll tell you: I'm nuts! Whether it's my ruthless self-promotion, my ideological commitment to defunding government programs at all cost, or my rigid devotion to Christian fundamentalism, I always embody the worst America has to offer. But if looking at porn on the Internet will become known as the most malevolent act of my political career, then I'll happily agree.
 
Not that it was necessarily me who liked the tweet, by the way.
 
It's hard to put the past behind you. I realize that this porn-tweet-thing will follow me around for years, perhaps more than any other fact about me. I'm okay with that, because this is absolutely the lowest point of my life in politics. Nothing before has even come close. It would be a shame if they had to replace a very large chunk of my Wikipedia bio with "Ted Cruz is the U.S. Senator who liked a tweet that had porn in it," but I'm willing to suffer the consequences of what I've done.
 
And by "what I've done," I mean what my member has done. Staff member, that is.
 
So there you have it America: I apologize. Next week, when I introduce a bill to reappropriate all of Planned Parenthood's funding to building a national database of illegal immigrants, I sure hope you won't be thinking of the porn tweet.
 
 
© 2017
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