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New Gay Icon Just Bowling Ball in Wig

A pink bowling ball wearing a blonde wig
"Yaaasss, queen"

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

After tirelessly moving from one irrelevant straight female singer to another, the community has finally found a new “queen” that accurately represents them. A unanimous uproar of “yaaasss”s on Twitter and Tumblr confirmed her slot. Many are fond of her resilience and the timelessness of urethane that is sure to outlast Madonna’s arms, although her main appeal is likely the lingo she has brought to the gay world, including a “7-10 split” and “bumper,” which have been assumed to be a new sex position and dating app, respectively.

In response to her recent rise, and in a supposedly well-intentioned feat of bi-erasure, many tweets have proposed changing the “B” in LGBTQ to “bowling ball.”

While her origin still remains unclear, one witness has claimed seeing her initially “rolling around the floor of an Ariana Grande concert.” Online bloggers cite her in a polyamorous throuple with the Babadook and Pennywise.

She has not responded to our interview request and has yet to make a public statement acknowledging her status, but the online gay community, excited enough by her mere existence, does not seem to mind her lack of voice or expect any activism from her whatsoever.

Despite her popularity, followers predict that she will soon end up in the gutter and be succeeded by the three-wheeled K-mart shopping cart Carly Rae Jepsen once slept in.

 

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