SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

New York Times Stock Jumps 10% After Local Retiree Unwittingly Clicks Online Ad

The Times' headquarters was a place of jubilation this week after receiving an online advertisement click.
For only the fifth time in two years, an advertisement on The New York Times's website was clicked, sending the dying media corporation’s revenue up 300% for the fiscal year.
 
The person responsible? None other than soft-spoken local retiree Sally Weld, whose arthritic pointer finger slipped and accidentally clicked an online ad on the Times' website yesterday.
 
“We love seeing user engagement. This was momentous,” analyst Zach Wundermann explained. “It not only made the front page of The New York Times, but also, more impressively, the front page of Reddit.”
 
Confetti rained down from the ceiling of the Times' headquarters, while reporters celebrated by dousing each other in champagne and printer ink. “Now that we can finally afford electricity, we don’t have to burn unsold newspapers for warmth,” the Times’s social media guru Axl tweeted.
 
This event was the latest in the Times's lengthy efforts to fully capitalize on the vast, untapped potential of its 18th-century business model. Trying to replicate its digital successes, the Times has added pop-up ads, Twitter feeds, and videos to its print newspaper, a technical feat requiring “billions” in research and development.
 
The Times also changed its mission statement from providing informative, accurate news to “getting eyeballs.” Today’s front page headlines included “10 Similarities Between Angela Merkel’s New Fiscal Policy and George Clooney,” “One Weird Trick to Lose 15kg of Belly Fat,” and “12 World Leaders with Worse Hair than Donald Trump, sponsored by 7 Eleven.”
© 2017
Category: