WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

According to eyewitness accounts, the two masked men unceremoniously flung the leader of the free world into the trunk of a red 1985 Ford Escort, as a driver in a flat cap, motorcycle goggles, and gloves waved them along hurriedly, shouting, “Hurry up, boys, or the coppers will nab us!”

“Did you hear something?” asked a Secret Service agent to reporters, as the car gunned away down Pennsylvania Avenue. “I thought I heard something. Oh, never mind. It’s probably a tourist. There are so many tourists.” He went back to softly humming to himself as he scanned over the handful of reporters in the pressroom, confident that his vigilance would protect the President and ensure the stability of the nation.

"I guess if anything comes up, we'll let you guys know, but honestly it's been a pretty quiet week so far," concluded Joe Clancy to reporters before returning to his crosswords.