CHICAGO, IL — For NFL hopefuls the draft represents the culmination of years of dedication to the game of football, and many college standouts express their joy through emotional hugs with Commissioner Roger Goodell. However, after a crushing embrace with defensive tackle Vincent Valentine during the third round of the draft, the lifeless, asphyxiated body of the Commissioner fell limply to the stage before a crowd of stunned fans.

Selected with the 96th overall pick, Valentine, a standout at Nebraska, marched confidently onto the stage, donning a New England Patriots snapback and grinning broadly from ear to ear. However, Goodell appeared to be somewhat apprehensive of the clinch as he disappeared into the ample bosom of the 329 pound behemoth.

The Commissioner’s popularity has been plummeting in recent months after his four game suspension of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was reinstated, and Goodell was met with a chorus of boos fairly consistently as he appeared on the stage to announce the teams’ selections. “He seemed like he was trying to struggle at first, but then his legs stopped twitching and Valentine let him slump to the floor,” said draft attendee and Broxton native Marc Graves. “To be fair though, he did mess with Tommy boy, and nobody does that and gets away with it,” Graves continued, before walking away while mumbling about “the Patriot way” and “do your job”. 

At press time, Goodell’s body was being dragged from the stage by a group of NFL officials, led by Patriots owner Robert Kraft, while a raucous crowd of spectators began to chant “free Brady”.

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