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Scientists Confirm Superior Race is People Who Wear Shorts in December

A man holding a beaker with a man wearing shorts in the snow inside of it.
Scientists conducted rigorous lab experiments, including creating wintery environments in test tubes.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”

According to the study, people who let their fibulas feel the frigid wind are more likely to swallow Tylenol whole on the first try, notice your new haircut, foster a relationship of mutual trust with your mother, remember the Alamo, know how to dance (not to the point where it’s intimidating, but enough to impress your friends at Lowell formal), and just to, like, get you. 

“They’re more tender lovers,” continued Jennings. “Jeans are for pussies. It’s evidence-based science.”

Freshman Tanya Woods describes her encounter with one of these superior beings: “The moment I heard him recite Poe in a tone I can only describe as hopeful yet tortured, I knew he had true power. It was obvious his calves had felt the onslaught of a December breeze only to reply, I DECIDE WHEN IT’S WINTER!”

Scientists have now developed a procedure that ensures your child will be born with the ability to punch Mother Nature square in the face. Despite controversy over genetic engineering, it seems everyone can agree being able to thaw frostbite with sheer willpower and Reebok high socks is a step in the right direction for the human race. 

Seen strolling butt naked-across the Yard in a further display of his God-like rejection of the fact that our half of the planet is now tilted away from the sun, Junior Matt Simmons reasoned, “Jack Frost doesn’t have the balls to nip at your nose when your nips are on full display.”

If you or a friend has hypothermia, please contact Harvard University Health Services at 1-800-WEARCLOTHESPLZ.

 

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