PASADENA, CA - A team of scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced today that, after years of research, they have finally determined the amount of racism that white liberals are willing to tolerate.

 

"This has been a long and arduous project, and we're glad it has reached a satisfying conclusion," said Dr. Hannah Underwood, the project's head researcher. "Some things were obvious. Slavery, the Klan—white liberals obviously find those repulsive."

 

"But we found some surprising results when it comes to school segregation," said Underwood. "It seems that white liberals really hate legally enshrined segregation, but are mostly fine with de facto segregation, or 'community schools.' Who knew?"

 

The team of researchers released an extensive list of racist things white liberals are pretty much okay with, including but not limited to: the TSA No-Fly List; gentrification; deporting illegal immigrants (at least under the Obama administration); building giant oil pipelines through Native lands; dropping bombs on Afghan civilians; and the works of Gilbert & Sullivan. 

 

According to the report, white liberals tend to cite similar justifications for their racist beliefs, such as national security, concern for "the safety of our children" (even if they don't have children), and inarticulate mumbling about this being an unfair accusation.

 

When asked whether the team had looked into what white liberals thought about reparations for African Americans, Underwood responded, "You don't even want to know."