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SatireV38 NBA Predictions: LeBron Wins 2019 Eastern Conference Finals

basketball court

Though impossible, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James has a 100.3 ± 0.2 % chance of representing the Eastern Conference in the 2019 NBA Finals according to our prophetic Excel spreadsheet models. As Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert once wittily noted, “LEBRON UR A BIG FAT MEANIE and ARE RUINING the league.”

Democrats Unveil Ambitious Plan Not to Get Completely Crushed During Midterms, Please

Tom Perez and Nancy Pelosi

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an ambitious move that many respected political analysts are calling “unlikely to work” and “kind of embarrassing,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled a bold proposal to somehow possibly maybe win a little bit in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections. 

DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters that the Democratic Party is hoping “for some kind of victory, really, anything, we’ll take anything.” He then collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of tears, a move that was pretty uncomfortable to witness from a 57-year old adult in a position of power.

Mathematicians Find World Series Converges to Boston

FENWAY PARK -- After extensive research on the subject, mathematicians at Northeastern University have determined that the World Series in fact converges to Boston if summed to infinity.

“Much like the geometric series of 1/(2^n) or the near-infinite series of ‘Dunkin stores in Boston,’ after solving for the World Series, we found it converges on Boston nearly every time,” explained head researcher Robert McOwen.

Should Have Seen it Coming: Lena Dunham Voted Yes to Kavanaugh

In an upsetting, but at this point certainly not surprising, act of betrayal against women, Lena Dunham joined multiple female senators in voting “Yes” to confirm Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court justice last week.  

Only a Fortnite Until We Pokémon Go to the Polls!!

Hillary Clinton with Pokemon balls

It’s that time of year again, when all the elementary schools are filled with bake sales and the gym is taken over by democracy, and when good ol’ Hil reminds you all to fulfill your Constitutional duty. But a lot has changed since November of two years ago, so I’ve updated my jokes to tell you all: in only a Fortnite it’s time to Pokemon Go to the Polls!

Help! I am the Presidential Alert and THE PRESIDENT IS IN TROUBLE!

Presidential alert
 Citizens, the president of the United States of America has fallen, and he can't get up! I repeat: President Trump cannot get up! It is an emergency at the national level! 
 
Bring your arms! Bring your legs! Send the legs and arms of a local firefighter! Gather the nearest lever, wheelbarrow, and man-sized bucket! Dangle a corn chip enticingly above our president to motivate him to GET UP! 
 

Hey South Dakota, Why Can't We Make This Work?

dakota
BISMARCK, ND—I can’t say this is easy for me. Or that I haven’t had my fair share of sleepless nights thinking about what this might mean. But I have to listen to my heart on this one: South Dakota, let’s get back together.

It hasn’t been easy for me since our last fight in 1889. I shouldn't have been so arrogant, so wrong about making Bismarck our capital. Ever since, I have been a wreck. Recently I started fracking, and the physical toll it has taken has been awful. I’m falling apart—the doctors have said I have four sinkholes down south already.
 

Trump Hires Sabrina the Teenage Witch as Legal Counsel for Mueller’s “Witch Hunt”

sabrina
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump recently added Sabrina the Teenage Witch to his legal counsel as he wards off a "witch hunt."
 
"Robert Mueller is out of control," Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained. "And if there's anyone who knows how to get out of a pickle, it's the quirky yet relatable protagonist who had to make herself reappear in time for the dance after giving herself a disappearing potion in season 4, episode 13."

Wattpad Author Thrilled to Finally See Canon Support for Trump x Kanye Fanfiction

Trump/Yeezy

BUENA PARK, CA — As Kanye West’s pro-Trump Twitter activity galvanized public interest this week, Hannah K. Smith—also known by her online alias, xX1D_LUVR89Xx—was ecstatic about newfound support for the Trump x Kanye fanfiction she has been writing for years.

“This is definitely support that my ship is 100% canon. I’ve known since 2009, when Trump tweeted about the VMAs, that there was something between those guys,” said Smith, the author of the popular online work The West’s Wings, the tale of a forbidden relationship between West and Trump in the White House. 

Country Clubs Face Challenges Following Trump Tariffs on Towels Imported from Turkey

hsm

LAVA SPRINGS — The Trump administration announced new tariffs on towels imported from Turkey today, leaving those wanting fabulous wanting more this summer. The move came as part of the White House’s continual trade war to support domestic manufacturing.

“The American people have had enough of sticking to the status quo,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement. “This really is the start of something new.”

The news was met with excitement on Wall Street. One investor described their textile-based portfolio as “Soaring! Flying!”

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