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2017 MLB Season Preview

Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs

Visitors to Las Vegas Eager to Add Raiders Games to List of Activities They Don’t Remember

LAS VEGAS, NV — After NFL owners voted 31-1 to move the formerly Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, initial marketing reports suggest tourists visiting Sin City are excited to add Raiders games to the list of events they attended while paralytically drunk and unable to encode memories.

Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

March Madness: Preview of Sweet 16

Kansas vs. Purdue

Purdue and Kansas are both ranked top 10 in the country in shooting percentage and worst states to go to college in.

Oregon vs. Michigan

GOP Healthcare Plan Subsidizes Knives to Stab High-Risk Patients to Death

WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
 
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
 

The Court of Jeff Is Now in Sessions

Clerk: All rise. The First District Court of Jeff is now in session.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, ladies and Jefftlemen. We’ll be hearing the case of Jeff versus Geoff today. Are the prosecution and the Jeffense ready?

Jeff Bridges: Ready for Jeff, Your Honor.

Jeff Bezos: Ready for Geoff, Your Honor.

Sessions: Will Jeff please swear in the jury?

All Female Bowling League Unimpressed by Women’s Strike

CHATTANOOGA, TN – After discovering today’s International Women’s Day strike, members of the local bowling league Spare Change were reportedly unimpressed by the attention the event garnered.
 
“I don’t get what all of the fuss is about,” said Gladys Kirkman, league secretary and longtime striker. “We do this every Wednesday at 9.”
 
“It’s the only time that didn’t interfere with roller derby,” league chatterbox Cathy Goldberg threw in.
 

Even I Think This is Excessive

Following a series of news reports surrounding President Donald Trump’s unfounded accusation that President Barack Obama was wire tapping the then Republican presidential nominee, the ghost of Richard Nixon published the following statement:

 

Jeff Sessions Recuses Himself from Appomattox Negotiations

APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE – Union (Attorney) General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions recused himself today from the ongoing negotiations to end the Civil War at Appomattox Court House.
 
"I do declare several conflicts of interest," said (Attorney) General Sessions. "I've know Robby [E. Lee] for many years. I say we've enjoyed many a fine summer's day sitting on the back porch, sipping sweet tea, and discussing the peculiar institution. Therefore I must recuse myself from these negotiations."
 

Snapchat Stock Disappearing From Portfolios After 10 Seconds

WALL STREET — Merely a day after the Snapchat IPO, investors in the popular stock panicked after realizing that all of their shares kept disappearing just ten seconds after their buy orders got filled. 

“Immediately, a little square timer appeared in my E*trade dashboard, and when it hit 0, all of my shares vanished,” area day trader Gillian Tresspie told Satire V. “I screenshotted it before they disappeared, but E*trade support told me it’s not polite to do that.”

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