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ESPN's NBA Award Races Breakdown

Five of our most "in" Insider™ experts offer their collective insights on this season's most interesting award races.

 

Most Valuable Player

Russell Westbrook

- Paced the league in cupcake references (1.2) per 36 minutes. Personally ensured that 20% of team didn't touch the ball all season.

James Harden

Satire V38: Triple-Doubles Are Cool and Russell Westbrook Is The Best

 
Although Russell Westbrook averaged a triple-double for the entire series, the Oklahoma City Thunder were eliminated from the first round of the NBA Playoffs last night by James Harden's Houston Rockets.
 
Some have called this the smoking gun that proves that Westbrook's selfish stat-padding and triple-double hunting destroyed the Thunder's chances of contending this season.
 

Upstart News Anchor Vies for Bill O'Reilly's Timeslot

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News executives were impressed Sunday by a young upstart news anchor who auditioned to replace Bill O'Reilly, the long-time host of The O'Reilly Factor who was recently fired for repeated accusations of sexual harassment.
 
The anchor, who auditioned under the name Phil O'Smiley, is looking to replace the most popular host in cable news. Fox News parent company boss Rupert Murdoch, who is reportedly worried that the network will be hard-pressed to find an equally charismatic host, personally asked O'Smiley to audition.
 

Trump Positions Naval Warships Across from Rosie O'Donnell's House

NEW YORK — After winning bipartisan support for his surprise missile strikes in Syria, President Donald Trump decided to test his newfound political capital by positioning two naval warships across from Rosie O'Donnell's house in Rockland County, NY.
 

Man Writes #MakeAmericaGreatAgain 100 Times in Application Essay, Becomes President

WASHINGTON—Earlier this week, sources uncovered the essay that won over the College of Electors in the most recent presidential application cycle. The essay contained 100 scribbles of “#MakeAmericaGreatAgain” in letters that were considered “YUGE” by linguistic experts.

Disguised Michael Flynn Spotted Near Canadian Border

AROOSTOOK COUNTY, ME – After the Senate rejected former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn's request for immunity in exchange for testimony to the FBI, sources reported that Flynn has been sighted near the US-Canada border in Maine.

2017 MLB Season Preview

Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs

Visitors to Las Vegas Eager to Add Raiders Games to List of Activities They Don’t Remember

LAS VEGAS, NV — After NFL owners voted 31-1 to move the formerly Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, initial marketing reports suggest tourists visiting Sin City are excited to add Raiders games to the list of events they attended while paralytically drunk and unable to encode memories.

Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

March Madness: Preview of Sweet 16

Kansas vs. Purdue

Purdue and Kansas are both ranked top 10 in the country in shooting percentage and worst states to go to college in.

Oregon vs. Michigan

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