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March Madness: Preview of Sweet 16

Kansas vs. Purdue

Purdue and Kansas are both ranked top 10 in the country in shooting percentage and worst states to go to college in.

Oregon vs. Michigan

GOP Healthcare Plan Subsidizes Knives to Stab High-Risk Patients to Death

WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
 
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
 

The Court of Jeff Is Now in Sessions

Clerk: All rise. The First District Court of Jeff is now in session.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, ladies and Jefftlemen. We’ll be hearing the case of Jeff versus Geoff today. Are the prosecution and the Jeffense ready?

Jeff Bridges: Ready for Jeff, Your Honor.

Jeff Bezos: Ready for Geoff, Your Honor.

Sessions: Will Jeff please swear in the jury?

All Female Bowling League Unimpressed by Women’s Strike

CHATTANOOGA, TN – After discovering today’s International Women’s Day strike, members of the local bowling league Spare Change were reportedly unimpressed by the attention the event garnered.
 
“I don’t get what all of the fuss is about,” said Gladys Kirkman, league secretary and longtime striker. “We do this every Wednesday at 9.”
 
“It’s the only time that didn’t interfere with roller derby,” league chatterbox Cathy Goldberg threw in.
 

Even I Think This is Excessive

Following a series of news reports surrounding President Donald Trump’s unfounded accusation that President Barack Obama was wire tapping the then Republican presidential nominee, the ghost of Richard Nixon published the following statement:

 

Jeff Sessions Recuses Himself from Appomattox Negotiations

APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE – Union (Attorney) General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions recused himself today from the ongoing negotiations to end the Civil War at Appomattox Court House.
 
"I do declare several conflicts of interest," said (Attorney) General Sessions. "I've know Robby [E. Lee] for many years. I say we've enjoyed many a fine summer's day sitting on the back porch, sipping sweet tea, and discussing the peculiar institution. Therefore I must recuse myself from these negotiations."
 

Snapchat Stock Disappearing From Portfolios After 10 Seconds

WALL STREET — Merely a day after the Snapchat IPO, investors in the popular stock panicked after realizing that all of their shares kept disappearing just ten seconds after their buy orders got filled. 

“Immediately, a little square timer appeared in my E*trade dashboard, and when it hit 0, all of my shares vanished,” area day trader Gillian Tresspie told Satire V. “I screenshotted it before they disappeared, but E*trade support told me it’s not polite to do that.”

Satire V's Oscar Predictions

Ahead of the 89th Academy Awards, Satire V has made some predictions about this evening's big event:
 
Instead of presenting its annual awards, the Academy will unveil the curtain to reveal 30 people named Oscar in the Los Angeles area.
 
President Trump will resign in the middle of Jimmy Kimmel's biting monologue about him.
 
Natalie Portman will give birth onstage in a once-in-a-lifetime performance art piece.
 

Trump Fans Not Sure How to Handle Civility of Pence Cemetery Speech

ST. LOUIS, MO – At Vice President Mike Pence's recent speech at a vandalized Jewish cemetery, Trump supporters in the crowd were unsure how to react as Pence said something civil.

Scattered cheers and chants were heard from the crowd, but uncomfortable silence predominated when Pence started denouncing anti-Semitism.

Betsy DeVos Takes Moral Stand, Sits Back Down

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, after President Trump made clear that he wanted to revoke protections for transgender students, many were surprised that Secretary Betsy Devos stood up for transgender rights and opposed Trump. DeVos, however, sat back down shortly afterward.

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