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New York Times Stock Jumps 10% After Local Retiree Unwittingly Clicks Online Ad

For only the fifth time in two years, an advertisement on The New York Times's website was clicked, sending the dying media corporation’s revenue up 300% for the fiscal year.
 
The person responsible? None other than soft-spoken local retiree Sally Weld, whose arthritic pointer finger slipped and accidentally clicked an online ad on the Times' website yesterday.
 

BREAKING: NASA Discovers Alternate Universe Where You Lead Happy, Fulfilling Life

WASHINGTON - Earlier today, NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope revealed the first-ever alternate universe in which you experience satisfaction and a healthy sense of self-worth on a fairly regular, day-to-day basis. This alternate universe is located just beyond galaxy GN-z11 and is not only thought to contain several habitable planets with liquid water, but also to be one in which an otherwise indistinguishable version of you goes through their day without periodically contemplating your strained relationship with your family and what you're really working this hard for.
 

Chris Christie Drops Off President’s Day Gift on White House Doorstep

WASHINGTON – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie deposited his carefully selected President’s Day gift for Donald Trump on the White House doorstep in the early hours of Monday morning.

“I wanted to be the first to wish him a Happy President’s Day, you know?” admitted a suddenly blushing Christie to a pool of reporters. “I got him a set of golden eating utensils for the White House kitchen. You know how he loves to eat!” said Christie with a chuckle.

Elizabeth Warren Reaches Lvl. 45, Evolves into Bernie Sanders

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a loud exclamation of “What? Senator Warren is evolving!,” passersby last Tuesday observed Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) cloaked in a bright light and, despite some partisan onlookers hastily pressing B, morphing into the form of Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT).

Enlightened Aficionado Refuses to Tip After Study Abroad

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Area savant Michael Goldberg returned Monday after what sources describe as a “transformative” summer abroad in England, Spain, and France. After two months of immersion in European art, literature, and language, Goldberg revealed that he would no longer subscribe to the barbaric American norm of tipping.

Sorry for the Ambiguity: ‘EASY D’ Means Penis

Yesterday, as I often do, I Tweeted one of my tremendous ideas. And I have noticed that many in the liberal FAKE NEWS media are misconstruing my Tweet as something I never intended. The FAKE NEWS media tries to undermine my true messages every single day, so I've decided to undercut them and talk to you directly.

I would like to clear this up once and for all: when I Tweeted that Americans were desperate for "EASY D," I was talking about penises. 

Mike Pence Finally Releases the Fart He's Been Holding In for Seven Years

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Mike Pence has finally released the fart he has been holding in for seven years.

At a breakfast for small business owners this Friday, Pence paused in the middle of assuring attendees that the President does not intend to declare war on Australia. He furrowed his eyebrows, looked pensively at his shoes, and let a big one rip. 

Area Man Yells at TV, Changes Sports Outcome

BOSTON, MA - After a lifetime of insisting to his wife that homegrown enthusiasm really can change the spirit of a sports game, 56-year-old Bob Leftwich finally emerged victorious after the Patriots miraculously won the Super Bowl on a last minute touchdown.

Somehow balancing an open beer on his gut without spilling, Leftwich grew increasingly livid at his TV when Tom Brady wasn’t producing the god-like plays that he expected.

According to sources, he took his anger out on the referees, screaming at them, “Hey ref, can I pet your seeing-eye dog?”

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s New Book

Hillary Clinton, the failed Democratic contender for President of the United States in 2016, recently announced that she is penning a new book to be published by Simon & Schuster this fall. Tentatively titled Reflections on Change, the book will discuss Clinton’s path from ambitious Wellesley graduate to Secretary of State, the bruising 2016 election, and the quotes that continue to motivate her. Satire V has obtained this exclusive excerpt from her book below:

 

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I Have to Admit, This Is Pretty Funny, in a Dark Way

Hi there, how’s everyone doing? I bet you didn’t think you’d be seeing any more of me after two failed presidential campaigns, but look how things have ended up—I’ve been nominated to be the Secretary of Energy! I know I’ll face some serious responsibilities in my new role, but in the meantime, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how funny this whole thing is.

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